A Delicious Slice of Humble Pie

Day 149: An Abused Spouse: How You Can Help

Chances are, most of us will be used as "therapists" at some point in our lives. Our friends will come to us with troubled hearts, troubled minds, and troubled bodies, and we should want to help them. There will be situations we don't know how to respond to; situations that are so difficult we feel stuck between a lack of solutions and a want to help our friends. In the case of domestic abuse, there are questions we can ask to guide those who need help speaking up to tell their story [NOTE: all of the tips  listed below can be found on pages 213-14 in the book]

• Trust your instincts and follow through on initials concerns without disturbing the victim or telling them what to do. Do not suggest they go home or stay there. Raise awareness and help them realize they need professional help.
• Encourage them to talk by refraining from expressing shock, surprise, disappointment; using a tone of voice and language that is empathic and understanding; give your full attention to them and make them a priority, thus letting them know your concerns are sincere and deserve attention; ask open-ended questions that help disclose as much as possible
• Do not attempt to hear the abuser's side of the story
• Do not minimize the victim's statements
• Do not convey judgment
• Make appropriate referrals to centers that deal with domestic abuse

Day 150: Maimonides' Advice: How to Change Negative Behavior

A very humbling section to read. Sorry, just a moment of reflection. 

In school, whenever one of my papers would become crumpled, I'd bring it home and put it under the heaviest book I could find in the hopes of straightening it out again. In this same way, "if a bamboo cane is bent in one direction and you wish to straighten it, simply holding the cane straight is of no use, for it will spring back. You have to bend it in the opposite direction, and then it will straighten." These are the words of Rambam who indicated that life should not be lived in extremes but rather on a shvil hazahav, a golden mean. Rambam suggests that in order to correct a negative characteristic in ourselves such as a quick temper, we should do the exact opposite for a long enough period of time to make ourselves slower to anger through other actions.

Rabbi Telushkin suggested that we brainstorm negative traits in ourselves "that might profit from a two-month excursion to the opposite extreme?" I do do a lot of self-reflection but I think in this case, I should ask a friend or family member as he suggests. Rabbi ends by reminding us not to be angry "when they come up with [a negative trait]." Need to read that again? It says when not if.