Reflections and Humanity

Day 56: Shabbat

What a whirlwind this week has been! Monday seems like it was so long ago and yet somehow this week just flew by. It's certainly been an eventful week and I'm glad it's over. This week I feel like I didn't have an opportunity to really internalize the values for the most part. They were mostly things that are so ingrained in human nature that it seems impossible to rethink. However, I did find myself thinking about lashon hara a lot and rephrasing things I was going to say in order to not speak ill of another person or say something about another person to someone who has no business knowing that thing.

• Tzedaka is More Than Charity: N/A
• Fight Fairly: N/A
• A Day Without Rumors; How About a Week?: N/A
• When Is It Appropriate to Pass On a Rumor?: N/A
• Some Thoughts for a Bar Mitzvah or Bat Mitzvah: I really wish this list were mandatory for every 12 or 13 year old kid going through this process. It would add so much to the experience!
• Learning from the Bad to do Good: N/A

Day 57: Love the Stranger

I hope this doesn't sound creepy, but I love seeing people holding "free hugs" signs. I think those are wonderful. Granted, I've never actually taken a hug from someone offering free hugs, but I do like the idea.

We are commanded to love three different categories of people: our neighbors, God, and strangers. Why strangers? We are told that God loves them too. But that can't be the only reason, right? Not that it isn't a good reason but I for one want more:

"The stranger was to be protected, although he was not a member of one's family, clan, religion, community, or people, simply because he was a human being. In the stranger, therefore, man discovered the idea of humanity."

-Hermann Cohen

We are certainly allowed to not love the people who want to hurt us, this makes sense. But by loving strangers, we all become human again. 

Know Your Past

Day 55: Learning from the Bad to Do Good

Ever since I was 4, I've known I wanted to be a teacher. Growing up, my dad always told me that I'd see lots of examples what to do and what not to do and to save these ideas for my future classroom. So technically, I guess you could say I've been training for this job all my life. It's casual.

Today's value is all about learning from mistakes that were directed at us and not making them in the future.

"The Torah wants us, all of us, individuals and nations, to break this pattern. If you have been hurt--and who of us has not?--learn how not to hurt. Were you taunted with an ugly nickname as a child? Were you mocked because of your lack of athletic ability? Have you ever lost out on a job opening because of discrimination? Were you pained because someone spread a malicious rumor about you? Think of how you suffered, and how you can ensure that those who have contact with you don't suffer in a similar way" (83).

There is no good that can come from repeating mistakes that were done to us. How many times have we heard that we must learn from our past in order to have better futures? That we must know our past to understand our future?

"We all suffer in life. The only good that can come from this suffering is to learn from it to do good" (83).

Only 5 Years Late

Day 54: Some Thoughts for a Bar Mitzvah or a Bat Mitzvah

A Bar Mitzvah is not a party. It is however, a celebration. You're 13, you're an adult in the Jewish community...but certainly not in the secular world. Do you know what it means to have adult responsibilities in Judaism? Do you know what will make your day more meaningful? How about your life? There's a lot that B'nai Mitzvahs have to learn about Judaism and how Judaism can impact them personally. It's not just a bunch of prayers in a language they may or may not understand. It isn't just a bunch of old guys with beards doing whatever it is they do. Judaism is tangible. It fits. We fit. One must just come to an understanding of what Judaism means to them.

In today's section, 10 suggestions were made to enhance the B'nai Mitzvah experience for those going through it. Some I've definitely done and had done by the time I was a Bat Mitzvah and some I still haven't done and don't know if I'll ever complete. I took today to reflect on my experiences doing these actions though I don't wish to share them online. Here, so you can reflect with me:

• Visit someone who has lost a loved one
• Visit or call someone is sick
• Arrange to have leftover food from your B'nai Mitzvah celebration donated to a shelter or food bank
• Take your chametz to a food pantry
• Devote some time to a communal issue or cause
• Donate three percent of the cost of your Bar or Bat Mitzvah celebration to Mazon
• Keep and donate to a tzedaka box
• Show respect to the elderly
• Call your grandparents instead of waiting for them to call you
• Ask your parents for whom you were named and know the special qualities about those people

Heard It Through the Grapevine

Day 53: When Is It Appropriate to Pass On a Rumor?

If your instinct is "never", you're actually wrong on this one. Think, for instance, about a situation in which your friend wants to take his shirt to the dry cleaner's. But the business he wants to go to has a notorious reputation for ruining people's clothes or losing them. Would you let your friend go to that business?

Today's section illustrates two different ways of going about a situation like the aforementioned one.

The first one is to warn your friend that the reputation of the dry cleaner's is spotty, and that it would be "naive to dismiss out of hand what one has heard people say" (81).

The second opinion is to encourage your friend just to check out the business and its reputation simply because it's the wise thing to do. This way you don't suggest anything about the business owners or run the risk of spreading a rumor.

The Rumor Mill

Day 51: Fight Fairly

A little boy pulls a girls pigtails, she turns around and chases him around the playground. Kids don't know how to fight fairly. But adults? We're supposed to understand the art of a fair fight.

What makes a fight fair? Both parties much watch their words and try to solve the issue peacefully. Both parties must use words that focus only on what upset a person, they should not be personal attacks against your opponent.

Saying things like "your hair is ugly" will be much less productive than saying "would you mind please putting your hair up so it doesn't get in my food."

Ok. It's late, I'm having trouble thinking of good things to write so excuse the brevity and strange things on this site. Rhymes. Ah yes, good times. Ok. Next.

Day 52: A Day Without Rumors; How About a Week?

Now there's a challenge. Rumors are everywhere, we can't truly avoid them. We can, however, help stop spreading them. The criteria required before a person spreads a rumor is the following rather disgusting statement: "If the information is as clear to you as the fact that your sister is forbidden to you as a sexual mate, [only] then say it" (Shabbat 145b).

So tl;dr: don't spread rumors, just don't.

Reflections and Caritas

Well, my mistake. This should have gone up yesterday night or much much earlier this morning, but instead here I am, just having woken up and writing a blog post.

Day 49: Shabbat
This week really dragged on for me. It was a long, tiring week and I've been hard pressed to get any alone time other than sleep, so mentally I feel very cramped. I also had a tough time remember the values for each day, for some reason they didn't stick with me or resonate with me so I'm hoping the values for next week give me more to work with.

• The Jewish Ethics of Speech: What is Lashon Hara?: N/A
• Don't Pass on Negative Comments: N/A
• The Sin That No One Ever Acknowledges Committing: This is a problem for me with first impressions. If I don't like someone the first time I meet them, it's a very slow process for me to like them more. If I can start to disregard some negative first impressions, maybe I can work toward alleviating this sin from my life.
• When Confrontation Is Desirable: N/A
• "You Shall Not Ill-Treat Any...Orphan": N/A
• Why Refraining from Gossiping Is an Important Challenge: N/A

Day 50: Tzedaka Is More Than Charity

Today's value is all about remembering to give tzedaka. We are commanded to give a portion of our money every year to charity. Segue for a moment, the words charity and tzedaka don't come from the same root. We use charity to mean tzedaka for lack of a better term. Tzedaka comes from the Hebrew word "tzedek" which means justice. This contrats with charity which comes from the Latin "caritas" which means "from the heart".

Refrain, Refrain Go Away

Day 48: Why Refraining from Gossiping Is an Important Challenge

It's way too easy to slip into the habit of sharing stories with others about people. Everyone seems to do it. It feels impossible to avoid.

In reality though, refraining from gossiping shows more devotion to G-d than simply not gossiping. That may not seem clear now but keep reading. It is harder to want something, know you can't have it (for example a cheeseburger), and refrain consciously from partaking in it than it is to want something and know you can't have it.

This value is relevant everyday. Everyday we can choose to refrain from gossip or to refrain from other forbidden acts. It takes a lot of strength to know you forgo what you are so tempted to do by human nature.

The Crack in the Glass Slipper

Day 47: "You Shall Not Ill-Treat Any...Orphan"

I think I have an obsession with Cinderella. I've read the Brothers Grimm's version, I've seen the Disney version a million times, I've enjoyed the version with Brandy in it, I've been in a production of it, I've used the story as inspiration for art projects, my prom outfit was inspired by her, and I've even dressed up as her fairy godmother.

Now, here's where Rambam and Cinderella come together. NOTE: the Rambam's passage will look like this whereas my personal commentary will look like this.

A person must be especially heedful toward widows and orphans because their souls are deeply depressed and their spirits low. Cinderella's step-family failed epically at this. Even if they are wealthy, even if they are the widows and orphans of a king, we are warned concerning them, 'You shall not ill-treat any widow or orphan.' How are we to conduct ourselves toward them?
One must always speak to them tenderly. I should assume here that orders carried out by Cinderella were not said tenderly.
One must show them unwavering courtesy; not hurt them physically with hard toil, or wound their feelings with harsh speech. And here I picture the scene from Disney where Anastasia and Drizella ruin Cinderella's ball gown and prevent her from going...
One must take greater care of their property and money than of one's own. What if an orphan has no property? Or all of their property has been taken? Are we required to give them our own belongings? Whoever irritates them, provokes them to anger, pains them, tyrannizes over them, or causes them loss of money, is guilty of a transgression. What is the punishment for this transgression?

There's not a doubt in my mind that poor Cinderella dealt with more than any human could bear. According to Rambam though, Cinderella should have been given the comforts and luxuries that others are given because her soul and spirit are depressed.

If there was any question in your mind, the story of Cinderella is a perfect example of how not to treat orphans and widows.

Passive Aggression Doesn't Always Cut It

Day 46: When Confrontation is Desirable

Us passive aggressive citizens of the world do our best to avoid confrontation in general. Personally, I've been trying to work on this and say what needs to be said in as polite a manner as humanly possible.

Today's value was based off of the quote from Vayikra 19:17: "Do not hate your brother in your heart."

The first part of this quote serves as a reminder that no matter who you're angry with, they are still your brother. Between brothers, hatred can cause massive damage, just look at what Joseph went through with his brothers! So please, a note from all of us: don't nurse your hatred to the point of selling the person you're angry with into slavery.

The second part of this quote seems unnecessary. What makes the "in your heart" part a valuable add in? This phraseology usually points to something that is kept secret or kept quiet. Don't nurse hatred for your brother in your heart, don't keep it to yourself. If you need to say something, say it. It is better to confront than to let your anger boil.

The Las Vegas of Mindsets

Day 44: Don't Pass on Negative Comments

When I was little, I constantly wondered whether sometimes it was better to lie or tell a half-truth than to tell the full truth. I told myself, at that age, that if it would the truth would end up hurting someone, it was better to lie.

Rabbi Telushkin agrees with little me! He goes back all the way to Abraham and Sarah to justify his reasoning. He says that Sarah laughed when she found out she would have a son at her age and at her husband's age. But G-d says to Abraham that Sarah laughed at finding out she would have a son at her age. Even G-d took into account the way Abraham would feel by being called old.

"[...] when no constructive purpose is served by being truthful, peace is valued more highly than truth" (67).

Day 45: The Sin That No One Ever Acknowledges Committing

What is it? What is the sin that no one ever acknowledges committing? Guess. No guesses? Ok well here it is: groundless hatred.

The Talmud equates the sin of groundless hatred with the sins of idolatry, sexual immorality, and murder. Seems kind of hefty right? Well here's the thing, isn't the golden rule to love others as you love yourself? Rabbi offers some methods to avoid or get rid of groundless hatred from your heart.

The first method is consider whether your dislike of someone is proportionate to the bad things this person has done. If your dislike and their bad things are not equal, then at least some of your hatred is groundless.

The second method is to learn and accept good things about the person you dislike. Try to see the good in them and remember that good whenever you hear or think about them (see Day 25: "Judge the Whole of a Person Favorably").

"The Talmud teaches that the Second Temple was destroyed because of causeless hatred. Perhaps the Third Temple will be built because of causeless love." -Rabbi Kook

Reflections and Bad Tongues

Day 42: Shabbat

I really, really enjoyed the values this week. They put me in a really good frame of mind and they were fun to carry out. I just felt happy at the end of a lot of the days and very satisfied with life. I hope it had something to do with the missions I was trying to carry out.

• Is a Jew Permitted to Smoke?: The idea of us, as Jews, being responsible for our bodies and protecting or sanctifying our lives was very relevant to me. I know too many people who have self-harmed in some way or another and this was an idea on this topic that kept coming back to me.
• When Not Giving Charity Is the Highest Charity: N/A
• Give Money When Times Are Hard: N/A
• Acting Cheerfully Is Not a Choice: This was one of my favorite days. It only led to good things and something I noticed about myself is that I generally do try to be cheerful, but sometimes I just let it go. It's really interesting to notice how many people's moods are affected by your mood. They really are contagious things, believe me.
• One Must Always Greet Another Person: N/A

Day 43: The Jewish Ethics of Speech: What is Lashon Hara?

"Lashon harah (literally 'bad tongue'), refers to any statement that is true, but that lowers the status of the person about whom it is said" (64).

I crawled into bed last night much earlier than I usually do, intent on watching Singin' in the Rain, one of my favorite musicals. As I was trying to fall asleep to the sound of Gene Kelly and Debbie Reynolds, I realized something interesting: I couldn't. So I do what I always do in college when I can't sleep: I left my room to sit in one of the lounges on my floor.

Luckily for me, a few of my friends were still awake and doing homework while watching some animated movie. I already knew that today I'd be working on Lashon Hara and yet within five minutes of my leaving my room, we fell into a conversation regarding some drama going on on our floor between two roommates. 

I sat there realizing silently how I easily could have not provoked this conversation, but instead I had just kept commenting. A similar thing happened later in the day when I started a sentence, realized it would be Lashon Hara and so I concluded with "never mind". At that point, the person I was talking to pointed out that I couldn't leave the sentence unfinished, it was my fault for starting it, and so, giving in, I finished the sentence with the story.

Lashon Hara is horribly difficult to avoid. You can avoid it in classes, you can avoid it when you're alone, you can avoid it when you're asleep, but as soon as another person begins conversing with you, it's going to be a challenge. One that I'd like to keep working on.

Simple Answer

Day 41: Should a Recovering Alcoholic Drink Wine on Shabbat and at the Seder?

No. Use Grape Juice.

I am simultaneously happy that I have nothing more to say and yet disappointed that my entire entry for today was "no. Use Grape Juice."

Eh...oh well. One more day until Shabbat and boy am I excited!

You Say Hello, I Say Shalom

Day 40: One Must Always Greet Another Person

My generation seems to have developed a prominent issue: we barely even make eye contact. I'll be walking to class and about to pass a person I've never met. My habit is to make an awkward half smile just to kind of greet that person, but very few people return that. Most ignore it and continue walking.

Today my challenge was to greet everyone. As presented in the book, this actually made the difference between life or death for a rabbi in World War II. I made sure to greet everyone I saw, specifically those I knew, before they greeted me. This worked very well for my professors and peers.

I enjoyed it too! People were generally happy to be greeted and I left the day in a really good, satisfied frame of mind.

"It was said of Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakkai that no person ever greeted him first."

-Babylonian Talmud, Berachot 17a

You're Never Fully Dressed Without a Smile

Day 39: Acting Cheerfully Is Not a Choice

Imagine two different situations. Here's the first: you've had a long and trying day. You've run to your classes or back and forth between work and home. You're tired, you want to rest, but you can't because the day isn't over. You get back to your dorm or home for the day, you open the door and you know your roommate or spouse is sitting inside. You trudge through the door and mumble hi. Your partner responds with similar enthusiasm and suddenly you're less happy to be home.

Ok, now imagine this: you've had a long and trying day. You've run to your classes or back and forth between work and home. You're tired, you want to rest, but you can't because the day isn't over. You get back to your dorm or home for the day, you open the door and you know your roommate or spouse is sitting inside. You walk through the door and greet your partner with a "hi, how was your day?" Your partner immediately responds with something funny or something in general that happened to them that day. You exchange stories and home becomes a pleasant place to be.

Well, normally I live situation one. I have long and tiring days and by the time I get back to my dorm, nothing sounds better than tea and a nap, but I can't do that. I have homework and I have a roommate who  happens to have become my best friend this year. I have too many times entered the room in a less than desirable mood and caused our relationship for the rest of the evening to be less than wonderful.

Today I took a different route inspired by today's value. I walked through the door slightly happier than usual, we had a nice talk, and suddenly found ourselves taking a detour to the mall to watch our friend get his first Build-a-Bear. I don't know about anyone else out there, but I like situation two much better. This one's a keeper.

Money, Money, Money...

Day 37: When Not Giving Charity Is the Highest Charity

It's hard to go anywhere nowadays and not see someone in need. I'm reading a book right now called The Golem and the Jinni by Helene Wecker. In the story Chava, the golem, is able to understand all the wants and needs of everyone around her without them saying anything out loud. I can only imagine how much pressure and how difficult it would be to be able to know what everyone needs and not be able to do it, but we don't always know what everyone needs. We aren't mind readers, we can only tell what we see.

On the surface, we see people who are tired, dirty, poor, begging. Some generous souls stop to give these people snacks or change from their purses, while the majority of others drive or walk by without paying the poor person any attention.

If only we could give these people what they really needed: a job or a skill. In an ideal world, that's what would happen. Instead of giving money, we would help the poor move their lives forward. The rabbi points out that it is better to give a person prospects than to give them money.

Day 38: Give Money When Times Are Hard

In addition to the point made above, people don't tend to give any charity when they themselves are going through a fiscally rough period. But the rabbis say that these people may be missing the point. "The Talmud rules: 'Even a poor man who himself survives on charity should give charity' (Gittin 7b)."

I tried myself to follow through on this value. The joke about college students is that we're poor, we don't have money to spend. I'm one of the lucky ones whose parents are extremely generous and I am given a monthly allowance. What I do with that money is my decision.

If I thought things through more, I would save the majority of it for times when I really needed it, but I enjoy going around town and doing things (and shopping) so I'm not skilled at saving it all. Today, my roommate and I went to the mall. I was making a purchase and before I swiped my card, I was asked by the cashier if I wanted to make a donation to the Make-a-Wish Foundation. I saw my chance and took it. Even though my donation was only one dollar, it felt good. Really good.

Reflections and Tobacco

Day 35: Shabbat

I'll be honest: I barely remember Monday. I could probably give you a general idea of what happened but if feels like so long ago. But hey, tomorrow is Friday and I'll be honest again: by the time the week reaches Thursday, all I want is Shabbas. That's really all I want.

• Don't "Steal" Another Person's Mind: I realize now that there is a relationship I need to adapt in my life because I think we're on different pages...
• Who Is Wise?: I'm trying to be wise, I really am. But sometimes, actions don't lead to the consequences you anticipate. Does this mean that no one is actually wise? Or have the wise people of the world analyzed people so thoroughly that this no longer applies to them?
• The Special Obligation to Visit and Help People, Particularly Poor People, Who Are Sick: N/A
• Visiting the Sick: Seven Suggestions: This is so near and dear to my heart because of everything that has gone on in my family recently. I can't even begin to emphasize how true all seven of these suggestions are and the impact they make on a patient.
• A Gynecologist from New Jersey, a Lawyer from Brooklyn: N/A
• Sharing Helpful News: N/A

Day 36: Is a Jew Permitted to Smoke?

I feel like one of the first things I learned as a child was that smoking is bad for your health. We see it on posters, we see it on commercials, it's highlighted so much in children's culture that sometimes it seems irrelevant. But then I came to college. None of my friends smoke but there are so many designated smoking areas around campus that sometimes you look around and wonder "why are they dong this to themselves?"

Rabbi Telushkin reviews in this section how the rabbis used to see smoking as a positive thing. It was healthy and pleasurable and popular. Nowadays however, we are more informed and knowledgeable and we know that smoking is most definitely not healthy.

As Jews we are commanded to treat our lives carefully, to not foolishly endanger ourselves. Personally, I'm happy to follow this commandment, it's easy for me. Though we see now the debate: the rabbis used to think smoking was good so they allowed it, now we know smoking is bad...so what's the answer? No, Jews should not smoke.

"According to halacha (Jewish law), we have stewardship rather than ownership of the body given to us by our Creator, and therefore may not jeopardize our life" (Teshuvot for the Nineties, Rabbis W. Gunther Plaut and Nathan Drazin).

In the Know

Day 34: Sharing Helpful News

I think some of the most annoying things in the world have been people not keeping me informed about things I should know. Not gossip, but important things. Things like when assignments are due, what I missed in school if I was sick, basic things like that.

Today, we are encouraged to share helpful news. If something was once helpful to you (e.g. medication, information, etc.), we are supposed to share those things with others.

I was able to apply this to my life today because I got an assignment back that one of my friends had not yet turned in. Some of the feedback I received would have been helpful for her to know in order for her to achieve a better score on her project, so I gladly shared this information with her.

"How commendable are those who can overcome the natural tendency to worry about what other people are thinking, and instead to offer information that can bring happiness and healing to other people's lives" (50).

God's Selfie

Day 33: A Gynecologist from New Jersey, a Lawyer from Brooklyn

I'm actually fangirling right now about what I've learned to day. I know, it's weird but I mean seriously. I learned some cool stuff today, I feel like I was doused with knowledge and I'm marinating in a brine of information. Ok...that probably didn't help my excitement seem any more normal...

Today, I was supposed to apply the following quote to my life: "each human being we meet possesses infinite value, and is therefore entitled to infinite respect and concern". In the same section, it is previously phrased like this (I'm putting both here because I'm not sure which one I like better yet): "each person is regarded as a whole world, and each individual possesses infinite value." Beautiful, no?

Later today, I attended a Tu B'Shvat Seder at one of the Jewish student centers on campus. There was a wonderful guest rabbi in attendance who really said some amazing things. It's hard for me to put into sentences what he said, so I'll try instead to list what I took away from his speech:

• Potential is limitless: a tiny little seed contains all the information a tree needs in order to grow and survive
• God's fingerprint can be seen everywhere. We live in a designer world. Our options of belief are multiple universes or one God. Well, I don't see any other universes out there.

Thinking about this step by step, if a human is regarded as a whole world, then God's fingerprint can be seen in us. We, as our own "worlds" are part of God's designer world. God designed us as part of His world, b'tzelem elokim, in the image of God we were formed.

If we are each an image, a snapshot, a strangely angled selfie that God took Himself, a polaroid picture of God, then indeed our potential is limitless and we should be entitled to infinite respect and concern from other "snapshots" just like ourselves.

In Sickness, In Lack of Health

Day 32: Visiting the Sick: Seven Suggestions

Ok, raise your hand if you don't like visiting hospitals. *Yes, I see all your raised hands.* Ok, let's see, can I guess why? It's because they smell weird? they creep you out? you don't find scrubs attractive?

But here's the thing: sometimes you have to visit hospitals. When you really care about the person lying in that bed, you better believe you'll find yourself by their side. This definitely doesn't make hospital visits any easier, but today I read 7 tips that are sure to improve the caliber of your visit.

1. Send a card to the person being hospitalized: it'll brighten up their room and their spirits.
2. Call before you visit: make sure the person is up to a visitor and give them something to look forward to.
3. Knock before entering the room: give the patient the privacy they're not allowed.
4. If the patient wants to talk, be their listening ear.
5. Offer to pray with the patient: Psalm 23 is an excellent choice.
6. If you are unable to visit a hospitalized person on a holiday, visit just before: help them feel in touch with what people are doing outside the walls of the hospital.
7. Arrange for a prayer to be said for the sick person in the synagogue.

Sadly, I was recently visiting my great-great aunt (z"l) in the hospital, and I can honestly say that she truly valued our visits and the visits of her rabbis who brought her joy over Chanukah.

Wisdom and Sickness

Day 30: Who is Wise?

When you picture wisdom, you might picture a sage, a scholar, a bearded man in lotus position. I bet you don't picture someone making decisions whose consequences they've already considered. Was I wrong?

Well that's all it is, a wise person is "one who foresees the future consequences of his acts" (Babylonian Talmud, Tamid 32a).

I had the opportunity to listen to a panel of experienced teachers discuss methods of classroom management. One of the tips one of the teachers gave was to make sure that your students are your students, not your friends. Whether this entails social media "friendship" or real lie friendship, the teacher said that this would be setting yourself up for disaster as an educator. This means making conscious decisions on how to treat your students basically before you've even met them. No pressure or anything, just think before you act.

Day 31: The Special Obligation to Visit and Help People, Particularly Poor People, Who Are Sick

I'd be willing to wager another bet: you've visited someone who was sick or hurt. Well guess what, it turns out that visiting a sick person might not only lift their spirits but might also save their lives. If you weren't going to visit that person, would they be able to cook for themselves? Or find help for themselves? This is a serious topic that goes further than just bikur cholim, visiting the sick. This is a life saving practice.