Apologies!

Hi anyone out there who might be reading and to myself because this is my own reminder too,

I'm sorry I've barely posted this week. I've been trying to get all my math work done before I go spend the weekend with my brother in a different city. So here's the deal, when I get back on Sunday, I'm going to write Days 171-177. Please bear with me! I want to pass this class and enjoy my summer!

Again with the Fiddling

Day 170: Steady Giving

If I had a steady income yubby dibby dibby dibby dibby dibby dum...
what? No Fiddler references? Fine. But it's going to take some effort.

But really, we are supposed to give regularly to charities and other causes. And if I did have a steady income, I could feel better about my position in giving to charities. I've actually been collecting tzedakah money in my room since I was 13. I used to donate it all to breast cancer research but now I'm starting to consider other options and now I'm overwhelmed with choices!

My synagogue does something popular. We participate every year on Yom Kippur in project Isaiah collects food and distributes it to the poor. This has been a wonderful project for our community and has been one way that we give steadily year after year.

Reflections and Predilections

Day 168: Shabbat

Whew, what a week! If I could sum it up in 5 words, I'd probably say internship, commuting, math class, and Skyping. It's been wonderful to get back in touch with my roommate and one of my best friends though I haven't seen any of my in-town friends in a little while. My internship is going really well, my boss and I get along great and I love the other interns and I love that I am always learning from what I do. Math is really stressing me out, I have no free time, math is all I do, so...meh. Lastly, a HUGE highlight of this week was getting to take my 13-year-old cousin Israeli dancing with me. She was adorable and since she's only just started, she doesn't know many of the dances, so watching her figure it all out was really cute...until her attention span collapsed. Shabbat shalom!

• How Fear of God Can Make You a Better Person (1 and 2): N/A
• Express Gratitude to Your Parents: Since I get home before both my parents now, I get to welcome them both home. My dad gets home first and it's usually easy to greet him happily or at least with a long hug. When my mom gets home, I've started working on math and I'm not as quick or as eager to greet her because I want to get more done. I'd like to even this out, it should be fairer than I've written it here.
• When Your Mate and Your Parents Are in Conflict: N/A
• "From a Child Is Beautiful, Anything": I met a guy at school who is an Early Childhood Education major. He's worked with kids as often as possible and his mom works in a preschool. He used to go into her classroom often enough that the kids recognized him. One day while he was away at college, they all made him cards saying how much they missed him and that they loved him and just cute little notes and pictures. He treasures them. He took them back to college with him and clearly had looked at them well, because when he showed them to me, he knew which card was from each child without looking at it for more than a second. Mmm, such treasures.
• "This Is the Most Delicious Muffin I Have Ever Tasted": N/A

Day 169: When You Hear That Someone Is Taking a Long Trip, Make Sure That They Take Along Some Extra Money

"Emissaries on their way to do a mitzvah will never come to harm."-Pesachim 8b

Before I left for Israel last year, a woman I knew from my shul kept telling me she wanted to send me with some tzedakah money. My parents one day explained to confused little me why she had wanted to send me with money.

It is traditional that when someone goes on a long journey, you gave them money for charity. This charity can then be used at the traveler's discretion. This makes the traveler really think about to whom they give the money. What a wonderfully thoughtful and mindful practice! Since I have a few friends going to Israel soon or studying abroad soon, maybe I'll try to send them with some charity money, not much, but whatever I can manage on my own.

Kiss Up

Day 167: "This Is the Most Delicious Muffin I Have Ever Tasted"

I've been going through a music phase. I usually go through music phases. Sometimes they're secular and sometimes they're Jewish. Well folks, this one hit me hard. There's a YouTube playlist entirely devoted to the melodies of Reb Shlomo Carlebach and hey, they're super catchy!

This is an especially appropriate music phase because of today's value. Reb Carlebach was excellent at appreciating things. Sounds trivial, I know, but imagine complimenting someone so intensely on one specific thing that their mood immediately changes. Reb Carlebach was the master of this.

I wanted to embody this today, after all, so many people in the world deserve to be so extraordinarily complimented. I thought maybe work would be a good place but no situation seemed right. I came home and I thanked my parents for dinner like I always do but I couldn't find much more to say on the subject (I don't really like tomato sauce so it was difficult to begin with). Then I struck gold. Relevant and awesome gold.

My freshman year roommate (who also happens to be my sophomore year roommate) and I were Skyping. We got onto the subject of our parents and I told her my parents loved her and from there I was able to compliment her as deeply as I could, yet (even though the sentiments were true), something still felt strange. I felt like I was kissing up even though I truly meant it all.

I wonder if Reb Carlebach ever experienced this or if people maybe didn't always take his compliments seriously? Well, it's just food for thought....or a muffin to munch on....but honestly "this is the most delicious muffin I have ever tasted."

Welcome Home

Day 166: "From a Child Is Beautiful, Anything"

Welcome to my home.

Upon driving up our sloped driveway, you enter a haven for cars. The floors are cement, the corners are dusty, the shelves are full of things that haven't been touched in years. Nothing stands out, until you notice the walls. Covered in paintings and pictures that would be worth nothing in an auction. This is our gallery. Mom and dad took our artwork and hung it on the walls of our garage for all who enter to see.

Welcome to my home.

Upon entering my home from our "car haven", you enter a room with a fluffy white carpet, stained slightly by years of tough love. There's an eggplant colored couch and shelves of treasures next to the fireplace. Hidden on some shelves are some muck colored ceramic bowls and teapots. This is our gallery. Mom and dad took our artwork and put it in our family rooms for all who enter to see.

Welcome to my home.

Upon passing our family room, you enter a kitchen with floral wallpaper. The counters are old and the cabinets are honey colored. On the wall behind the table, you see an array of art: a strangely colored glass dove, a hamsa, an awkwardly shaped tree on a dark green glass background, and a ceramic plate painted with visions of a sunrise. This is our gallery. Mom and dad took our artwork and put it in our kitchen for all who enter to see.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...

Day 165: When Your Mate and Your Parents Are in Conflict

Dear goodness. It seems like everywhere you look, people don't like their in-laws and their in-laws don't like them. Talk about a bunch of outlaws *cue sarcastic drums*.

I can honestly convey my own hopes and prayers for this and it's kind of nice. Granted, I'm not married, I'm a college student and still a teenager, and I'm just not married. But one day, I hope I'll be able to say that 1) I graduated college 2) I'm no longer a teenager and 3) I'm married.

Now, of course, there's a long list of things I'd look for in a spouse (let's start with a sense of humor, some wisdom, and a nice tall-esque height) but the icing on the cake? They treat their family kindly and they treat mine the same way. It'd be even better if my parents were a fan of my man too.

Traditionally, Judaism sees marriage as the child leaving their parents and beginning a new household with their spouse. This means that, according to Judaism, a person's first priority is to their spouse. Of course they are still loyal to their parents, but a person should recognize that the new family they have established with their spouse takes precedence sometimes over their parents' home.

Our Father and Mother

Day 163: How Fear of God Can Make You a Better Person (2)

"Fear of God means having a sense, an understanding that you are accountable to more than yourself, that you must not experience yourself as all-powerful. That why 'fear of God' in the Torah is mentioned in the context of unequal power relations."

There are 3 specific times [pointed out in today's section] in the Torah where we are reminded to fear God:

1. "You shall honor the old and you shall fear God" (Leviticus 19:32)
2. "Take no interest [from one who become impoverished], but you shall fear God" (Leviticus 25:36)
3. "You shall not rule over [your servant] ruthlessly, but you shall fear God" (Leviticus 25:43)

All of these situations are instances where we have the ability to take advantage of a (excuse the term) "weaker" person. I personally believe that we are reminded to fear God in these verses because we should always remember that we will always be weaker than Hashem. Just as Hashem does not take advantage of us, we should not take advantage of people we perceive as weaker than us.

Day 164: Express Gratitude to Your Parents

There's an old joke about being nice to your children...after all, they choose your nursing home.

And yes, most of the time (at least in the cases I've seen), that's true: children care for their parents when their parents are no longer able to care for them. This is just one way of showing gratitude to your parents. "Measure for measure" is a Talmudic concept meaning that "gratitude should be expressed in the same manner in which the deeds evoking the gratitude were performed."

There are also other ways to show gratitude to your parents! By calling them often to speak, telling them how much you love and appreciate them, visiting them, etc.

There's no one right way to honor your parents or thank them for all they've done for you.

Room for Improvement

Day 161: Shabbat

This week has been CRAZY. I feel like all I've been doing is driving, working at my internship, and trying to do my online math course. Needless to say, I'm so happy to have the weekend and Shabbas. It is much needed. I really hope Shabbas feels like Shabbas, but I don't know how this is going to turn out...we'll see.

• A Day of Kind Deeds: I've been trying to do this in a small way on my way to work in the mornings. Since my commute is so long and all on highways, I understand how frustrating it is when people won't let you switch lanes when your turn signal is clearly on. I've been trying to let in as many cars as possible if they're switching into my lane so that I can make people's days a tiny bit better.
• An Expensive Technique for Overcoming Anger: N/A
• When You're Angry at Your Spouse: Putting Things into Perspective: N/A
• Treating Your Employees with Respect: N/A
• Abraham, the Model of Hospitality: N/A
• There Is No Such Thing as a Free Lunch: N/A

Day 162: How Fear of God Can Make You a Better Person (1)

Preface: I've been thinking about this all day and I'm still grappling with today's message. Please bear with me as I talk it out.

What I know:

• We are commanded to fear God
• I do fear God, my life is in His "hands"
• We tend to do things out of fear for a person or thing
• EXAMPLE: I fear the principal of my school, therefore I try not to get in trouble.
• Because the midwives in Egypt feared God more than Pharaoh, they saved the Israelite babies.

What I learn from this:

• Fear (like that of the midwives) liberates us from doing evil
• Fear of God can be liberating

There's Always Soup for You

Day 160: There Is No Such Thing as a Free Lunch

Society dictates that there are rules for hosts and guests. Obviously a host should be giving and generous and a pleasant presence, but what about guests? I mean where did we learn that our guests have the right to choose what to eat or what to watch or do? Or that if we are a guest, we should bring something for the host? Or that if we are the guest, we should politely refuse any additional comforts the host might offer?

It never occurred to me that Judaism would have guidelines about being a guest. Shocking, I know, but really, I never considered it. Of course we should be gracious, accepting, and amiable, but we are also supposed to praise our hosts for their generosity up one wall and down the other to as many people as possible. That way, other people might benefit from the generosity of the hosts the same way we have.

Signed, Sealed, Promised, Delivered

Day 159: Abraham, the Model of Hospitality

In my 3rd grade Hebrew class, I was required to write a story about characters who promised a lot and delivered much less or didn't promise much and delivered a lot. My teacher made it a point to remind us that it is better to be the character who doesn't promise much and delivers a lot.

Speaking of not promising much and delivering a lot [smooth transition, I know], remember Parashat Vayera? Abraham tells his guests (the 3 angels) that he will bring them bread. Instead, Abraham returns with a full on feast and spoils his guest with refreshments. Abraham embodies the concept of hospitality: to be so welcoming to your guests that you go above and beyond the call of duty for them.

We should resemble Abraham when we bring guests into our home. Because personally, even though I wouldn't expect or ask for it, I'd love a good feast.

Trusting and Treating

Day 158: Treating Your Employees with Respect

Does October 16th ring a bell for anyone? Well, get ready to mark your calendar because every year on October 16th, people in the U.S., Canada, Lithuania, and Romania (thanks Wikipedia) celebrate Boss's Day: a day to thank our bosses for being fair and kind.

Ok, there are two kinds of people who just read the above paragraph: the kind that read it and laughed, and the kind that read it and was thankful for their boss.

As someone who has had a boss now for a total of one day in her life (today was my first day at my internship!), I am thankful that the person I work for seems to be good humored and fair. If I were going to be in town on October 16th, I'd probably consider getting him a gift. But hey, it's only been a day so I'll just take it one day at a time.

We learn from the Talmud's explanation of Deuteronomy 23:25 ("When thou comest into thy neighbour's vineyard, then thou mayest eat grapes until thou have enough at thine own pleasure; but thou shalt not put any in thy vessel") that employees should have bosses that care for their needs but do not over indulge them. This may seem like a stretch of an interpretation but I kind of skipped over the explaining part. Trust me when I say bosses should trust in their employees and treat them fairly and kindly. After all, employees are being trusted with a part of the boss's life. Shouldn't that trust earn them respect? 

Tick Tock

Day 154: Shabbat

What a week it's been! I've rushed around to visit friends, I got to honor a really important role model in my life, I found an internship, it's been a crazy packed week. Strangely enough, home hasn't felt as "Jewish" as it used to, and I'd like to regain that somehow. It was such a comfort before and now, I don't know. I'll have to figure it out.

• When You Suspect Spousal Abuse: N/A
• An Abused Spouse: How You Can Help: N/A
• Maimonides' advice: How to Change Negative Behavior: N/A
• The Unending Obligation to Be Kind: N/A
• "What's Hateful Unto You...": N/A
• "Not Everything That Is Though Should Be Said": N/A

I always feel very weird when I have no reflections from this week, especially when I really enjoyed the majority of these sections, some were so inspiring that I just stared at the page when I finished reading. Oh well, sometimes we get word-clogged and sometimes we are word blocked (two very different things), I guess right now I'm one of the two!

Day 155: A Day of Kind Deeds

There was a beautiful story in the book and I'd love to relay it but I have a problem with that. There are so many beautiful stories about people helping people, and they restore our faith in humanity, and obviously I have nothing against that. I'd rather have my own stock of stories that are beautiful and inspire others to have faith in humans. Of course, I'd like to add to these and have good, kind experiences when interacting with other people, but I'd also like to remember times I've done good things for others.

Rabbi Telushkin made it a point to say that when we have a chance, we should take an entire day or hours at a time, and devote it entirely to doing good things for others. 

Day 156: An Expensive Technique for Overcoming Anger

Do you have anger issues? Please don't be mad that I asked. I only want to help. I read today that by donating a sum of money that serves as a fine, every time you express disproportionate anger, you can curb your temper. Or by choosing to donate the money to a cause you don't necessarily support, you can achieve the same results.

Day 157: When You're Angry at Your Spouse: Putting Things into Perspective

If you've ever truly loved someone (family member, spouse, etc.), you probably know that one of the things that would make you happiest, is to see the other person happy.

When you get angry at that person, you probably want one of two things: them to feel what you're feeling or them to talk you out of how you're feeling. The second option would be better because the first often leads to things you regret saying and suddenly a rift between you is caused.

Pettiness, especially in anger, is ugly. Why should we be petty towards our loved ones when we only have a certain amount of time in which to love them? Shouldn't that time be filled with love rather than anger?

Witty and Pretty

Day 153: "Not Everything That Is Thought Should Be Said"

Ain't that the truth.

But we already knew that right? I mean we all grew up with idioms like "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all." Obviously we're allowed to think whatever we want but as soon as our words pass from coming from a good place to anything less, we should be filtering our speech and choosing to say only the things that are helpful, compassionate, etc.

Rabbi Israel Salanter said "not everything that is thought should be said. And not everything that is said should be repeated. And not everything that is repeated should be remembered." Take this to heart both if you are the speaker and the listener. Sometimes, if someone said something that inadvertently offended us, it is our job to take it with a grain of salt and realize that the person didn't mean to offend us and just let it slide from there.

In addition to this, a Yiddish saying goes "who is a hero? One who can suppress a wisecrack." I have a long way to becoming a hero if this is the case, I tend to make jokes a lot...not necessarily inappropriately, just a lot. I worked on this today and tried to suppress my jokes a couple times. In all honesty, I'm not sure what effect it had on me or those around me, so I'll have to watch that more closely.

Gear up for the end of the week! Almost there!

The Golden Rule

Day 152: "What's Hateful Unto You..."

There was one story that, over the course of my 13 years at Jewish day school, I must've heard a hundred times:

Once there was a gentile who came before Shammai, and said to him: "Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot. Shammai pushed him aside with the measuring stick he was holding. The same fellow came before Hillel, and Hillel converted him, saying: That which is [hateful un]to you, do not do to your fellow, this is the whole Torah, and the rest is commentary, go and learn it."  - Babylonian Talmud, Shabbat 31a

So ironically enough, as I spoke about the Golden Rule yesterday, today it presents itself in all its glory. That which hateful to you, do not do to others. Treat others as you want to be treated. "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Well, this has been a nice pep talk. Time to get pumped for Day 153!!

Put a Smile On

Day 151: The Unending Obligation to Be Kind

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a  man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms--to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."-Viktor Frankl

And now, ladies and gentleman, I present to you an excerpt from something I once wrote:
There are two types of college students: those who are very prepared for rain and those who aren’t. But both make the rain bearable. The students who aren’t prepared for the rain give you a chuckle; they dodge and dash and sprint across campus in nothing but t-shirts, shorts and flip flops, or tennis shoes. No doubt they’re drenched by the time they get to their dorm rooms. The students who are prepared for the rain make the gloomy weather seem quite fashionable; they wear rain boots and rain coats, and they’re umbrellas are really a very whimsical display.

Now, you might be wondering what relevance my excerpt has to being kind? Well being kind is a choice. It is a choice you make when you are most frustrated and it is easier to snap at those around you. It is a choice you make when you have every reason to be frustrated or angsty. Bottom line: being  kind is a choice.

If we go back to the golden rule, to love and treat others the way we want to be loved and treated, it all goes back to kindness. No one wants to be snapped at or yelled at or pushed away (verbally or physically). Kindness is as much a freedom as it is a state of mind as it is a series of actions. Choose kindness all your life.

A Delicious Slice of Humble Pie

Day 149: An Abused Spouse: How You Can Help

Chances are, most of us will be used as "therapists" at some point in our lives. Our friends will come to us with troubled hearts, troubled minds, and troubled bodies, and we should want to help them. There will be situations we don't know how to respond to; situations that are so difficult we feel stuck between a lack of solutions and a want to help our friends. In the case of domestic abuse, there are questions we can ask to guide those who need help speaking up to tell their story [NOTE: all of the tips  listed below can be found on pages 213-14 in the book]

• Trust your instincts and follow through on initials concerns without disturbing the victim or telling them what to do. Do not suggest they go home or stay there. Raise awareness and help them realize they need professional help.
• Encourage them to talk by refraining from expressing shock, surprise, disappointment; using a tone of voice and language that is empathic and understanding; give your full attention to them and make them a priority, thus letting them know your concerns are sincere and deserve attention; ask open-ended questions that help disclose as much as possible
• Do not attempt to hear the abuser's side of the story
• Do not minimize the victim's statements
• Do not convey judgment
• Make appropriate referrals to centers that deal with domestic abuse

Day 150: Maimonides' Advice: How to Change Negative Behavior

A very humbling section to read. Sorry, just a moment of reflection. 

In school, whenever one of my papers would become crumpled, I'd bring it home and put it under the heaviest book I could find in the hopes of straightening it out again. In this same way, "if a bamboo cane is bent in one direction and you wish to straighten it, simply holding the cane straight is of no use, for it will spring back. You have to bend it in the opposite direction, and then it will straighten." These are the words of Rambam who indicated that life should not be lived in extremes but rather on a shvil hazahav, a golden mean. Rambam suggests that in order to correct a negative characteristic in ourselves such as a quick temper, we should do the exact opposite for a long enough period of time to make ourselves slower to anger through other actions.

Rabbi Telushkin suggested that we brainstorm negative traits in ourselves "that might profit from a two-month excursion to the opposite extreme?" I do do a lot of self-reflection but I think in this case, I should ask a friend or family member as he suggests. Rabbi ends by reminding us not to be angry "when they come up with [a negative trait]." Need to read that again? It says when not if.