Discomfort

Day 148: When You Suspect Spousal Abuse

NOTE: this post is formatted in bulletpoints because my mind is a mess and I don't feel at all comfortable with this topic.

• I'm still...young. I'm not married, I'm not really close personal friends with married people who would disclose personal information to me rather than to my parents. 
• I grew up going to shul often. Every toilet stall in the restrooms always had a sign that said "Most Jewish men don't hurt their wives. But some do."
• Abuse is not just physical. It can be emotional or psychological or academic or economic etc. etc. etc. Signs are not always visible. We have to recognize the clues.
• By recognizing clues, we may end up saving lives. If you need to ask questions, ask. If you need to talk to someone, talk. Get help, get them help. 

Red Wine on a White Tablecloth

Day 146: Don't Embarras Your Guest, Don't Embarrass Your Children

I learned in a Judaics class one time that embarrassing someone publically is akin to killing them. I've taken this so much to heart that I do my best not to embarrass people. I try to tell people quietly whether or not they need a tissue, if they have a tag sticking out of their clothing, if they are incorrect about something. It isn't worth embarrassing someone if there's a quiet way around it.

I'm not sure if I'm conveying any of this properly, but if you take away anything from reading this post, it's that instead of blaming your guest for spilling red wine on your white tablecloth, you should either do it too or remind them that stains can be easily removed.

Team Up

Day 145: True Hospitality: Did You Ask Your Wife?

Remember that time in Fiddler on the Roof when Tevye brings home Perchik right before Shabbas? Golde isn't all too thrilled and rushes Perchik around barely uttering a kind word to him (even though that seems to be Golde's usual demeanor)? Right well apparently, according to a combination of opinions from both Bava Metzia and Rabbi Berel Wein, a woman is more likely to be stingy towards guests because a man is more likely to invite guests over without much thought. The woman usually then tends to the guests' needs from food to bedding etc. NOTE: while this may not be true in every case or even in this age anymore, it was at some point more true than not.

If you and your spouse would like to be overachievers...or perhaps completely appropriate leveled achievers, you should mimic the actions of Abraham and Sarah. When Abraham brought home 3 guests (who were angels, unbeknownst to him), he shared equally the duties of attending to his guests with his wife.

A Long Five Days

Day 140: Shabbat

I apologize for the lateness of my Shabbat post. My family was away for Memorial Day weekend doing things that were completely military related and I was having a blast.

Last week was really nice. I've been searching for jobs and seeing friends and keeping in touch (which is funny because people you keep in touch with are too far away to actually touch...) I'm sorry, I'm still in the whole "morning groggy" phase, so if something makes no sense or sounds ridiculous, please blame it on the sand in my eyes.

• "Educate a Child According to His Way": I was thinking more about this and about my parents and my brother. My brother has a much better understanding of real world things like money than I do. This still sometimes frustrates my dad when he's trying to explain things like IRA's or how CD's and my eyes glaze over. But either way, my dad will spend an hour on a subject just to make sure I understand it and I really appreciate that.
• Don't Threaten Your Children with Physical Punishment: N/A
• Enter a Mourner's Home with Silence: N/A
• "Don't Take My Grief from Me!": N/A
• "You Shall Not Carry God's Name in Vain": An Unforgivable Sin: Obviously not on the scale of terrorism, I always try to avoid using God's name. Again obviously, I don't really believe that calling God "God" is His real name; nonetheless, I try to say ohmigosh or oh my goodness or things along those lines rather than saying the alternative. And I will never ever say "damnit" with a G-d before that. I realized recently that I was saying ohmigosh's alternative more and more than I was saying ohmigosh itself. I've trying to correct that.
• When It's Good to Be a Fool: I LOVE this value and I've been thinking about it a lot. I think it also applies to teachers. Parents are probably the most likely to become foolish for their own children, but teachers are kind of like parents to full classes of kids. I love thinking of all the foolish and funny things my teachers did for my classes and imagining ways to be foolish for my future classes.

Day 141: Helping Non-Jews

This shouldn't need saying but we were all created betzelem Elokim, in the image of God. Though sometimes I question what He was thinking....

Anyway, we are all people, all deserving of the help of our peers. Of course we should help Jews, because in the world if we don't help Jews, who will? But that doesn't mean we are allowed to shirk our responsibilities to our other fellow images of God.

"the purpose of the entire Torah is to establish peace" -Gittin 59b

"We must provide help for the non-Jewish poor as well as for the Jewish poor; we must visit non-Jews when they are sick as well as our fellow Jews when they are sick; and we must attend to the burial of their dead as well as the burial of our own dead; for these are the ways of peace" -Babylonian Talmud, Gittin 61a

Day 142: Schedule  Kindness into Your Day

I had a hard time trying out this value in real life. It's whole purpose is saying that unless we have time scheduled into our days, we will miss out daily on the ability to help other people. I really don't think this is true! Unless you volunteer somewhere or are a foster parent or in some kind of that work, I believe that opportunities to be kind and helpful tend to fall into our laps at unscheduled times.

Life is busy, we can't always set aside a certain amount of time at a certain time every day to do something like that. Maybe if I lived a more pious lifestyle I'd see it differently. But every day I'm handed the opportunity to do good things for others, from there it's just a matter of doing them.

Day 143: Don't Be a Pious Fool

"Any time you assume that what matters more to God is how you act toward Him than how you [...] treat human beings, you are acting like a 'pious fool'" (205).

"God demands from us piety and goodness. Jewish ethics teaches that when your piety exceeds your goodness, God is not impressed. The world could do with more piety--but not with more pious fools" (206).

Day 144: Don't Serve Liquor with an Overly Generous Hand

This is bigger than it seems people! We aren't just talking about open bars at celebrations that entice people to drink to excess and possibly become injured, we're talking about other things that we could possibly possess that could cause harm to other people: a missing piece of cement in our front walk a vicious dog, or a rickety ladder. It is our obligation to ensure the safety of those we care about by not causing "bloodguilt upon your house."

Court Jesters or Parents?

Day 139: When It's Good to Be a Fool

"[...] your children are not supposed to honor you, they are also supposed to enjoy you" (200).

The pictures I have of my parents from when I was younger...my dad with me on his shoulders and half my shirt over his head while he makes a surprised face at the camera, my mom hiding behind a bench with my brother and I peeking over the top. If you looked at these pictures you'd probably think "what is an adult doing making those ridiculous gestures in a picture?" but here's the thing: they were doing it right.

As Rabbi Telushkin explained, over 1800 years ago, a man left a strange clause in his will: his son should not receive his inheritance until he becomes foolish. Rabbi Joshua ben Korcha expressed his opinion out of his own experiences with his children. "When a man has children it is not unusual for him to act like a fool when it comes to them" (Mishna Psalms 93:12).

The Unforgivable Sin

Day 138: "You Shall Not Carry God's Name in Vain": An Unforgivable Sin

I don't feel equipped to adequately discuss this value. It isn't as small as just saying ohmigosh instead of ohmigod. It's bigger than that. There are some quotes from the book that, I think, do a better job of explaining or expanding on this value than I could ever do.

"Rendering this verse as 'You shall not carry God's name in vain,' makes it clear why God won't forgive the violation of this commandment. It is the only one of the Ten Commandments the violation of  which turns God into a victim. A person who commits murder, steals, or swears a false oath discredits himself or herself, but a person who does a murderous or odious act in God's name alienates people from God as well. Thus, God suffers from the acts of those who do evil in His name" (198).

Heavy Hearted

Day 135: Don't Threaten Your Children with Physical Punishment

That's child abuse. Don't do it. Please. Your children should respect and revere you for your knowledge or your compassion or other aspects of your personality; they should not be forced to respect and revere you out of fear.

Day 136: Enter a Mourner's Home with Silence

Sadly, in my life I've visited many shiva houses. I never know what to say to those in mourning. To extend condolences seems formal and impersonal; to say I'm sorry for their loss seems too petty; I often just say nothing and allow my parents to speak on behalf of our family.

Turns out, despite my silence stemming from awkwardness and discomfort, I've been doing something right. While it is, of course, proper to say things like those listed above and "may you be comforted among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem", it is also important that silence be a component in houses of mourning. Silence gives mourners enough room to express how they feel or what they need. Silence gives space for thought, reflection, speech, or nothingness.

"We are afraid of silence. I get into the car, I turn on my radio. I get into the elevator, they play music for me. Why? Because we're afraid to be alone for two seconds with ourselves. It's okay to be quiet. It's ok to just sit and listen. It's okay to not fill the air with small talk and cheap talk and sports talk. Just leave enough silence in which something can be felt."-Rabbi Jack Riemer

Day 137: "Don't Take My Grief from Me!"

It's so easy to minimize the feelings of others without realizing it. We may see a grieving person who is losing control of themselves: crying, yelling, whatever it may be. We are in no position to tell them to stop or to calm down. We must instead understand where they're coming from and allow them to grieve in the way they find necessary.

Fish Can't Climb Trees

Day 132: It's Not Only What You Do for Your Parents That Counts--It's Your Attitude

This is incredibly self-explanatory. You can do the nicest things in the world for your parents and yet still talk to them rudely. Treating and talking to your parents respectfully is more important than grand gestures you may make if you are still acting rudely to them.

A little bit of a segue: I was talking to my dad on our drive home from college about how fortunate I am in the friends that I have. The vast majority of my friends have a wonderful relationship with their parents. They respect their parents and talk to their parents often. That's something I definitely really appreciate.

Day 133: Shabbat

How beautiful it has been to be home this week! Of course I miss some of my college friends but I've gotten to catch up with so many high school friends and dance friends and shul friends. It's just been so nice to see everyone I care about so much.

• What Does It Mean to Honor and Rever Your Parents?: N/A
• What You Don't Owe Your Parents: N/A
• Escort Your Guests: I was thinking about this yesterday as I drove one of my best friends to the Metro station. I made sure to watch to see that she got to the sidewalk ok and watched her walk in for a little bit before driving off.
• Two Pieces of Paper: N/A
• Read and Listen to Points of View with Which You Disagree: N/A
• It's Not Only What You Do for Your Parents That Counts--It's Your Attitude: What I've noticed about myself is that when I'm away from home and sitting at one of the Jewish student centers on campus and we say birkat hamazon after eating, I always always always make sure i include the parts thanking my father my teacher and my mother my teacher. I think it's so beautiful that there's a part of the grace after meals where we can just thank our parents. I'd like to learn more about why this is included in this prayer.

Day 134: "Educate a Child According to His Way"

When my brother was little, he had a special fascination with firetrucks. My parents couldn't drive past a fire station without my brother commenting in his little boy way. They'd always stop and get out and look around the fire station, indulging my brother in something he really enjoyed.

When I became more and more interested in horses, my parents would take me to the stables closest to our house and just walk around with me while I babbled on and on about each type of horse and the stables themselves.

My parents always have encouraged us to pursue things that we're interested in or good at. And even when we weren't good at something but we needed to know it for school, they'd work with us to help us understand or help us carry out the procedures necessary. They'd find resources online if they didn't know how to help us. They truly emulate this value, they have always tried to educate both of us according to our ways.

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

Disagree Agreeably

Day 131: Read and Listen to Points of View with Which You Disagree

I've never been a very decisive person. In fact, I've been quite the opposite, very tentative all my life. I've never really formed opinions of my own but now I'm beginning to see the world through my own eyes rather than opinions that were fed to me, either in my education or by people I respect.

That's why, whenever I was or still am curious about anything political or things other people have opinions on that I might not have opinions on, I always ask for as many sides as possible. Usually, I go to my dad or my brother and tell them the issue I'm thinking about. They then provide me with what they believe. After that, I question them as to what their opponent would say. This has proven to be very helpful in helping me understand where each side is coming from and seeing which I agree with more.

I really strongly encourage anyone...well, everyone, to do the same thing. If you don't know what you believe or you think you believe one thing, find someone who disagrees with you and ask them to explain their opinion. Now, I must note that political debates need not always be heated. It is possible to have a discussion in which both partners are participatory and cordial to one another without jumping down the other's throat.

Good luck! Go and learn.

In the Palm of My Hand

Day 130: Two Pieces of Paper

I woke up today and the first thing I did was check my grades. I knew I'd been doing really well and I wanted to know if I'd gotten my straight A's or if a B had gotten mixed in. All week, I've been talking about my straight A's and how I want them really bad and how I'm so close to getting them... Rather than spread that pride around, I should have reminded myself what I truly am: dust and ashes.

I woke up today and the first thing I did was check my grades. I knew I'd been doing really well and I wanted to know if I'd gotten my straight A's or if a B had gotten mixed in. All week, I've been talkng about my straight A's and how I want them really bad and how I'm so close to getting them...Rather than be disappointed that I was one away from my goal, I should have reminded myself what this world is: created for my sake.

"For my sake was the world created" -Mishna, Sanhedrin 4:5

"I am but dust and ashes" -Genesis 18:27

Shalom Bayit, Shalom

Day 126: Shabbat

It's so nice to be writing from home again! This year winded down nicely and, I don't want to give it any kenahuras but, I'm pretty much one class away from getting straight A's! As soon as I hear about my math final, I'll be able to sleep easy knowing I totally rocked my freshman year.

Back to business!

• God's Four Questions: N/A
• Do You Scream When You Should?: N/A
• Paying a Laborer's Wages Promptly: N/A
• What a Worker Owes His Employer: N/A
• What We Owe Our Siblings: I love my brother. I'm so lucky he's my brother and I'd kind of wanted to post a picture of us earlier, so here we are in the good old days:
  
• Anger: Three Thoughts Before You Explode: N/A

Day 127: What Does It Mean to Honor and Revere Your Parents?

I took a class on this very topic last summer. It was all about the difference between honoring and revering our parents. 

There are many things that go into both honor and reverence and the thing I find very interesting about this commandment, is that it's so subjective. Honor and reverence don't always look the same to each parent. What one mother might find respectful another might find disgusting. [Note: I find this especially funny considering I'm writing this on Mother's Day and I know that each אמא has a different way she likes to celebrate.]

One of the points that Rabbi Telushkin makes in today's section is that children learn how to treat their parents by watching their parents tend to their parents. In other words, children learn how to take care of their parents by seeing how their parents act towards their grandparents. I hope that makes sense... So bottom line: if you want your children to treat you well, show them how to treat parents well.

Day 128: What You Don't Owe Your Parents

Parents tell their children all the time what they think. There's not problem with that. People are allowed to express their views and opinions to others; what they can't do is make the others accept their views and opinions.

"As a child, you owe your parents many things: gratitude, attention (Expressed through visits and phone calls), honor, and even a sense of reverence. What you don't owe your parents, however, is control of your conscience" (183).

Day 129: Escort Your Guests

We always use the term "Jewish goodbye" when we begin the process of saying goodbye to family or friends and don't leave the premises until twenty to thirty minutes later...sometimes longer. But why can't we change the definition of a "Jewish goodbye"?

What if instead of a "Jewish goodbye" meaning saying goodbye and never leaving, it meant escorting your guests into the street in order to make sure they drive away safe. Extend the metaphor for a second: make sure their taxi picks them up or their plane takes off safely or anything along those lines. 

"Take a few dozen steps more, go out with them into the street, and let them experience the honor and affection you feel for them" (184).

Let's have a revolution and redefine the "Jewish goodbye."

Dedicated to the Beetle

Day 125: Anger: Three Thoughts Before You Explode

I was talking to a friend today who explained to me how he had gained a feeling of caring for everyone and everything around him over the course of his second semester at college. He told me that yesterday, there was a beetle crawling on the floor of his dorm room. Instead of crushing it in a tissue like he usually would have, he decided to scoop it up in a piece of paper and take it someone else.

Now I doubt that he went through the suggested thoughts before reacting, but still his display of caring towards the insect was very sweet.

It is suggested that we think of the following 3 things before we become explosively angry:
1) You are a creature, not the Creator
2) You are flesh and blood and will perish
3) God will show you mercy only if you show mercy

Brother Dearest

Day 124: What We Owe Our Siblings

My brother is everything I'm not. This used to make me jealous of him but now I'm easily able to appreciate our differences and enjoy being blessed enough to appreciate them from up close.

As we've grown up together, he and I have seen many examples of siblings who don't get along (both in and out of our families). After interactions with siblings like this, we've always looked at each other and asked that we not become like this. After all, we get along too well and it's too much fun being together to even consider rivalry.

According to today's section, by trying our darndest to get along, we are fulfilling one mitzvah: honor your mother and father.

Work, Work, Work.

Day 121: Do You Scream When You Should?

Do you scream when you're on a roller coaster?
Do you scream when you watch a scary movie?
Do you scream when someone startles you?
Do you scream when empathize or sympathize with another?

Today's value is all about feeling things. We should feel things. We should express how we feel. We should recognize that everyone in the world is feeling something, and some of what they feel might be suffering.

"If boiling water is poured on the head of a Moroccan Jew, the prim and proper Jew in Paris or London must scream. And, by feeling the pain, he is loyal to the nation" (172).

Day 122: Paying a Laborer's Wages Promptly

The Torah really looks out for those who might be needy. The Torah notices that those who are handymen or domestic workers may be more desperately in need of the money they've earned than people who work in more well-regarded jobs. [NOTE: I don't mean for any of the terminology used in this post to be offensive but I'm not sure what would offend some people or others, so please take no offense at the way in which I've phrased things].

What we should take away from today's value is that handymen and domestic workers need to be paid as soon as they've finished their jobs. They must be paid the same day in which their service was completed.

Day 123: What a Worker Owes His Employer

When I call my parents, I call them at work. It's more convenient to talk to them when I know I have a long walk across campus ahead of me and I have at least fifteen minutes. It never occurred to me before that the time I spend talking to them is time they are being paid for at work. I personally don't feel that this makes us dishonest people, probably because I view respecting my parents by calling them when I can at a higher level than them taking time out of their paid work time to talk to me. 

So, what do workers owe their employers? Honesty. Not to call in sick when you're perfectly healthy; not to play video games when you're at your desk; things of that nature.

It Just Got Real

Day 118: The Least Time to Spare, the Most Time to Give

On Day 118, I read a story. A good one, at that. It was about Rabbi Carlebach who, despite his busy schedule, took a later flight so that two people could receive emergency medical treatment. I don't think I even need to summarize it...I think you get the gist.

Day 119: Shabbat

Oh what a lovely day it is. I've had a severe lack of sleep this week so I'm looking forward to [hopefully] sleeping a bit more during finals week.

• "You Shall Not Place a Stumbling Block": N/A
• "The Nameless Person Behind the Counter: N/A
• Acts of Kindness (1): Looking Backward: N/A
• Acts of Kindness (2): Looking Ahead: N/A
• Acts of Kindness (3): Looking Ahead: N/A
• The Least Time to Spare, the Most Time to Give: N/A

Day 120: God's Four Questions

I'm currently reading this section and Rabbi Telushkin told readers to stop and write down the questions we think God will ask us when we enter heaven. Disclaimer: I know I've learned these before but I don't really remember and I refuse to look ahead so these are my honest thoughts. How much time did you spend doing mitzvot? What reflections do you have on your own life? Ok, now pause while I read what the actual questions will be...

OH I KNEW IT! OOOPS. The first question is: did you conduct your business affairs honestly?

Second is: did you set aside time to study Torah?

Third: did you try to create a family?

Fourth: did you hope for the world's redemption? 

I'm now just sitting here thinking of how real this seems. Like wow, these are questions I should one day be able to answer...wow.