Chol HaMoed Sukkot Catch Up

Day 269: When You Have Been Sinned Against: Your Obligation

When you do something wrong, and you know you've done something wrong, you feel guilt build up inside you. If it's really wrong, you feel really bad, and [at least for me] your mind is persistent in not letting you forget what you did. In this case, you must be persistent in seeking forgiveness. If you apologize sincerely to the person you have wronged 3 times and they do not forgive you, it isn't your fault, it is cruel.

Even when it is difficult, we must try to forgive those who seek our forgiveness. Think back to the beginning of this journey, there is a reason they acted the way they did and you must factor that in as you attempt to forgive them. Try your best!

On a personal note, I've found it hard too to forgive some people but I know that everyone does things they aren't proud of and I'm no better than anyone else. If other's can forgive me, I'd like to forgive others.

Day 270: A Nightly Prayer Before Going to Sleep

Every night after I get in my PJ's and wash up, I lay down to sleep. I put on some lip balm, close my eyes and say the Shema. I don't do the full bedtime Shema (though I used to try harder to) but instead, I say the short version and then I talk to G-d a little bit. I thank Him, ask Him for things, pray that my loved ones will be happy and healthy and safe, and that any of my friends in relationships stay happy with each other or find out what works best for them.

Part of the bedtime Shema is a prayer called Ribono Shel Olam, Master of the Universe. In it, we forgive anyone who has angered us or who has sinned against us. We ask that any sins we have committed before G-d be blotted out in His abundant mercies. We end by praying that our prayer has found favor before G-d.

Now that I've mastered saying my own version of the Shema every night, maybe it's time to go back to trying to say the whole bedtime Shema, even if it's only once or twice a week to start out.

Day 271: Don't Let Your Child Humiliate Another Child

Though I'm still working on living a fully ethical life, one of the things I really took to heart when I learned it in high school, was that humiliating someone is akin to killing them according to Judaism.

And though I'm not yet a parent and probably have oodles of time until I become one, I often think about how, as a teacher, I would handle these situations.

This past week, I went to a school for one of my class' field experiences. I am paired with a second grade teacher at a public school about an hour away from my campus. When I went this week, I came just in time for the school-wide assembly that was used, not only to congratulate the students of the month, but also to teach about being an upstander. At the assembly, this video was used:

Day 272: What the Fifth Commandment Demands of Parents

"The Rabbis understood Jewish law as not only obligating children to honor parents, but also as obliging parents to act in a manner that enables their children to honor them. For example, the Talmud denounces a parent who hits a mature child, understanding that such an act might well provoke the child to strike back, and thereby violate a Torah law (Exodus 21:15; see Mo'ed Kattan 17a)."

Reflections and Pre-Sukkot Catch Up!

Day 265: Don't Mouth Pious Platitudes

"I'm so nervous about this test tomorrow. I'm not very good at math and I don't think I've studied enough," said one student to another.

"Nonsense," the other student responded, "I'm sure you'll do fine."

End scene.

What did the second student do wrong? Can't figure it out? It's okay.

One of the easiest things to do is give someone advice or try to make them feel better when, in reality, you can't possibly know what they're feeling. This is the time you should muster up all your empathy and step into their shoes.

Rather than saying I'm sure you'll do great, you'll be fine, you've got this, maybe try helping them think up solutions: go to math lab, ask the professor, ask some peers, rework some of the homework problems.

Situation 2: "I'm so nervous about this test tomorrow. I'm not very good at math and I don't think I've studied enough," said one student to another.

"Nonsense," the other student responded, "God will take care of you and help you pass the test."

"Excuse me," said the first student, "you're in this class too. Have you started studying?"

"Oh no, I'm going to do horribly!"

End scene. The same thing goes with pious platitudes: if they wouldn't comfort you in this situation, you might not want to use it.

Day 266: Shabbat

Whew.

• Accidents Do Happen: N/A
• When an Accident Is No Accident: N/A
• Don't Be a Mitzvah Hero at Someone Else's Expense: N/A
• Speak Truth to Power: N/A
• Just How Much Are You Supposed to Fear God?: N/a
• Don't Mouth Pious Platitudes: N/A

Day 267: Do a Favor...for Your Enemy

When caught in between a rock and a hard place (to put it quite crudely), you have options. Situation time! You see your good friend struggling with a medium sized box and you want to help them, and you see your enemy struggling with a larger box and you have no desire to help them.

It's your yetzer hara, your evil inclination, that makes you not want to help your enemy. But, this is the perfect opportunity to show up your yetzer! Go and help your enemy, it'll never see it coming and you've just become the bigger person [metaphorically speaking].

Day 268: Maimonides, Art Buchwald, and the Importance of Every Deed

I know I don't often do video posts, but this was forwarded to me ages ago and it popped into my memory when I was reading today's section. I think it sums up the point really nicely.

Before Yom Kippur

Gmar chatimah tova!

Day 263: Speak Truth to Power

The feeling of intimidation when speaking up to those more powerful than  you is overwhelming. That's why people freeze up when they meet celebrities or why we sometimes blank on what we wanted to say when we sit in a class.

The idea that it is important for us to speak up and tell the truth if those more powerful than we are not telling the truth, can be intimidating too. However, we are the only ones who can say what's on our minds. No one else will speak your thoughts for you. If you see that something is bad or someone is being treated wrongly, it is your duty to correct that action.


Day 264: Just How Much Are You Supposed to Fear God?

On his deathbed, Rabbi Yochanan Ben Zakkai was visited by his students. They asked him for a parting blessing and he wished them the following: "May your fear of God be as strong as your fear of men."

The students were confused [as I would have been too]. Rabbi Yochanan explained that people are more afraid of being caught by a fellow man while doing something wrong than of being caught by G-d, the being that sees all.

This is something to remember as we go through our day-to-day lives. There is always someone with us, always someone watching, always someone hearing, always someone listening.

Reflections and Rosh Hashana Catch Up

So now that Rosh Hashana is over and we're gearing up for Yom Kippur, I'd like to apologize to anyone who reads my blog. I'm asking your forgiveness for the things I've written that you might be hurt, insulted, offended by. If I've used a tone you feel was unfair, please forgive me. To everyone out there: shana tova v'gmar tov!

Day 258: Who Is a Hero? A Jewish Perspective

 It is written in Pirkei Avot "who is a hero? One who overcomes temptation."

Different things tempt different people. There are small things like a chocolate bar or taking the elevator and bigger things like engaging in a sexual relationship with someone who is forbidden to you or stealing something that is left without a guard.

In the past year, I've given into many of my own personal temptations but this year, I'm already working on it. There's something I'd like to do that I've told myself I won't do until after Yom Kippur. As hard as it is to not do it, I know how disappointed I'll be in myself if I give in.

On the other hand, one special section of the Talmud says that a hero is someone who is stronger than we are and who is intimidating because of his strength. I was thinking about examples from situations I've seen or read or heard about. And I can't say I fear any of these people. I think the strength the Talmud is talking about in this case isn't necessarily physical, it might be mental. And so, I respect those people stronger than I: the first responders on 9/11, those of us fighting a mental disorder, and all of you who go to the gym even when you think it's embarrassing.

"In Judaism, heroism is a possibility for everyone, and we are tested almost every day of our lives" (366).

Day 259: Shabbat

This week has been wonderful. The first week of 5776 has been remarkably wonderful. It's been a lot of small things that have made it so good: yesterday I had a really good apple, all week the sky has been beautiful, I've gotten to spend a lot of time with some people I really respect, my school work is going well, and I'm determined even though I've been staying up late to do work.

• Rabbenu Gershom and the Prohibition Against Being a Snoop: N/A
• Be Generous with Power: N/A
• When Silence Is Golden: I put this into practice last week when a struggling friend came to me. I think I need to figure out the balance.
• Learn Even from Those With Whom You Disagree: YES.
• Revenge and the Command to Love Your Neighbor: N/A
• Who Is a Hero? A Jewish Perspective: N/A

Day 260: Accidents Do Happen

It's kind of funny to me to be reading this section after going to my School Law class this week and studying torts. (NOTE: It isn't haha funny but it's more ironic I guess than anything else).

I don't feel like I'm prepared to explain any potential cases brought up in the Torah or in class, though, so you might have to find your own examples. Check Shmot 21.

The Torah and the Talmud are very skilled about "nitpicking" the details in situations. Every possibility seems to have an explanation. I channeled the Talmud in class this week actually. We were discussing a situation where a student used a slingshot to hit another student in the eye on school grounds but before the school doors were opened and with no supervision. Who would win in the lawsuit: the school or the parents of the student who was hit?

My class was proposing all these answers and one girl brought up the fact that it would be hard for a teacher to miss a student bringing a slingshot to school. I felt she was wrong, so I raised my hand and reminded the class that 1) there was no supervision yet as the students weren't allowed in the building and 2) a slingshot is not a complex weapon; it's possible the student fashioned it on the school grounds. It may not seem like a comment to be proud of, but I felt really good about it.

Day 261: When an Accident Is No Accident

"An accident is an accident when it could not have been anticipated. When it could have been anticipated, it is no accident" (369).

So let's give a couple examples of things that aren't accidents:

• getting behind the wheel of a vehicle when you've been drinking and getting into an "accident"
• raising or keeping a dangerous animal and then it uncharacteristically attacking someone

Make sure you take responsibility if you really believe it to be an accident. Apologize, ask forgiveness, or if you're on the other side, grant forgiveness. But make sure you're aware of what constitutes an accident. If you can foresee something bad happening, it's not an accident.

Day 262: Don't Be a Mitzvah Hero at Someone Else's Expense

There are 613 do's and don'ts, commandments we should be living our lives by. Often, we have help fulfilling these mitzvot, they need to be done by more than one person or someone else needs to facilitate.

It's a wonderful thing to fulfill these mitzvot, but it's less wonderful if you're fulfilling mitzvot is negatively affecting someone else. If you have a servant painstakingly bringing water to your house from a nearby well as was the case in one of the stories of Rabbi Salanter, use the minimum amount so she won't be as often in pain; if your evening meals are long and drawn out and someone else is serving them to you, try and make them more concise so that person can go home and rest.

All I'm trying to say is that by being morally conscious and understanding how your actions and choices are affecting those around you, you live with a cleaner conscience and a happier spirit.

Before Rosh Hashana....

Day 254: Be Generous with Power

"When a king and a bridal party meet, the bridal party must make way for the king. Nevertheless, [the first-century C.E.] King Agrippa made way for a bride, and the sages praised him. When they asked him, "What made you do so?" he replied, "I wear a crown every day; she will wear her crown but a brief hour."

--Post-talmudic tractate Semachot 11:6

 "[...] probably the most positive benefit one acquires with power is the ability to use it generously." (360)

This is the key: when, even for a brief period of time, we are given a position of power, it is our job to do that job to the best of our abilities. This includes looking out for the people over whom we have some power.

This was kind of the situation when I chaired a weeklong encampment for my youth group in high school. Suddenly, roughly 200 Jewish teenagers knew who I was and what my name was, and it was my job to make sure they had a good time. I might have been able to do a better job in trying to include those teens who weren't always included, but I think for a high schooler aged 16, I think I did a good job. I still love those quotes at the top of this entry, so please, keep those in mind.

Day 255: When Silence Is Golden

Sometimes we don't know what to say. Now, read this next line very carefully: THAT'S TOTALLY OKAY. Sometimes it's good to not know what to say. Sometimes, just being next to the person who needs you is more consolation than words could ever be.

It is taught in this section that, to provide words of consolation, one must wait until the person in need of hearing them has calmed down or is no longer in shock.

I understand how this works for people in mourning or people who have suffered a loss of some other kind, however, I'm wondering how this works for the mentally ill or unstable?

There are people who need to have someone next to them and need to be calmed down, but if they throw fits, when is the right time to begin talking and what is the right thing to say?

Day 256: Learn Even from Those with Whom You Disagree

"In contemporary life, we must remember that liberals have things to learn from conservatives, conservatives from liberals, Orthodox Jews from Conservative and Reform Jews, and Conservative and Reform Jews from the Orthodox." (363)

I could say more because this is a topic I love and am passionate about, but I think it would be best left at the above quote.


Day 257: Revenge and the Command to Love Your Neighbor

I know this entry has been very quote-heavy so I'm trying not to use too many, but there's a passage I feel would explain this concept better than I ever could. Do you mind? Yes? Okay, well then I'll try to paraphrase.

The prohibition against revenge is written in the same verse as the very popular "you shall love your neighbor as yourself" (Vayikra 19:18). Why are they written in the same verse? Because by instructing us to love each other as we love ourselves, we are being instructed to love each other despite whatever has happened between us.

There will be people we hurt and people who would probably like to hurt us, but on the flip side, if we display love, especially to those whom we aren't happy with, we deserve to be loved in return.

I hope that was a good paraphrase...but just in case you missed quotes: "The Talmud teaches that the Second Temple was destroyed because of causeless hatred. Perhaps the Third Temple will be  rebuilt because of causeless love."--Rabbi Kook

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So tonight begins Rosh Hashana. As of sundown, not only is our slate wiped almost clean but so are we. This is our chance. With this new year, we become new people. It's time, I'm ready. In 5776, I want to be the me I want to be. Last year, I straightened my hair before chag. But that's fake, I don't have straight hair. This might sound stupid, but I think because I went into the new year not looking like me, I was a person unlike my usual self this year.  So, Shana Tova, I'll write again motzei chag! May this new year be sweet, wonderful, healthy. May you be provided many new experiences, new friends, and opportunities you didn't have last year. May you try new things and take steps to becoming the person you've always wanted to be. Shana tova u'metuka!

Reflections and Ketchup....Catsup...Catch Up!

Day 250: The Painful, Challenging Question Parents Must Ask Children

Why did you do that?

A simple question, right? As someone who is learning to become a teacher, I'm grasping any chance I have to practice my skills and see what works and what doesn't. Since I was fortunate enough to go to a school that taught Hebrew from Kindergarten through 12th grade, I soaked up as much as I could and now I'm proud to say that I'm fluent in Hebrew. [Note: my grammar is good but not the best and I constantly forget vocabulary words, but I can hold a conversation, understand and be understood.]

I've begun to tutor a girl in one of my classes before and after class in Hebrew. Usually, I look at her homework to correct mistakes and answer questions she might have. Since she doesn't always have questions about the things she's made mistakes on, I try to understand why she made the mistake to begin with. I've taken to asking her what her reasoning was for answering what she answered. Sometimes, she'll explain to me what she thought was the case and sometimes she doesn't have any idea what she's supposed to be doing.

This has proved helpful to me: when she simply has a misunderstanding, I can explain to her why she misunderstood and help her figure out what she's supposed to be doing. From my understanding, this is a good tactic to use when parenting. If your child acts in a way you aren't happy with, the best thing you can do is ask them why they did it. It might even help correct their behavior.

Day 251: Marriage Is Also Supposed to Be Fun

Let me start off by saying that my favorite single moment in the Torah is when Rebecca fell off a camel upon seeing her husband-to-be, Isaac.

Ok, now that that's over with, we can continue. As children, we never really see our parents interact as 2 people who got married because they were in love, we see them interact as partners for the most part. They're helping us, feeding us, doing things adults do like pay bills and drive places.

When we leave, when we go to college or get married or something, our parents are left empty-nesters. Now they have time to do all the things they couldn't do while we were around. The Torah puts it interestingly, Rebecca and Isaac are described as caressing or playing with each other.

I think it's beautiful to have someone to play with. TO have someone to joke with and entertain and be entertained by, that's the real goal in my opinion.

Day 252: Shabbat

Whoa, when did I get so behind! I'll be missing a lot of classes for all the chagim coming up next week and suddenly I'm behind on entries and trying to get ahead on work...and not to mention my diary that I haven't written in since July. Wow. Ok, deep breaths, everything will get done.

I'm really glad my brother is here visiting this weekish. I'm really glad the huge cut on my foot is no longer infected and is healing. I'm hoping this darn chest cold ends soon. I'm really appreciative of all my professors and instructors who are so graciously accommodating me for the holidays and are working with me to make sure I'm not too behind.

• Don't Snap at Your Spouse: There's a lot of extended family stuff going on right now that reminded me of this entry. I'm sorry, not providing details but please know this is on my mind.
• Are You in an Abusive Relationship?: As is this one...
• Don't Be an Elitist: N/A
• Don't Encourage Your Children to Date Wealthy People: N/A
• The Painful, Challenging Question Parents Must Ask Children: N/A
• Marriage Is Also Supposed to Be Fun: N/A

Day 253: Rabbenu Gershom and the Prohibition Against Being a Snoop

Rabbenu Gershom is famous for many rulings: the first is his ruling outlawing polygamy, another is his ruling saying that divorce has to be mutual, a man cannot just divorce his wife without her consent. 

Rabbenu Gershom's other ruling is about not being a snoop or invading the privacy of your family. So don't open your children or spouse's letters or enter without knocking on their doors (see Day 215).

Elitism and Parenting (But Not Combined)

Day 248: Don't Be an Elitist

Broad, isn't it? Dictionary.com (because I'm a student and my Webster's is across the room) defines elite as: "a select part of a group that is superior to the rest in terms of abilities or qualities." Some people take this to mean intellectually superior, physically more attractive, a myriad of elitist mindsets are out there to choose from.

But here's the thing: we're all skin and bones. Yes, I may have gotten a four-digit score on my SAT's and yes, your score might have been higher, but that doesn't give you the right to diss me because my number means I'm less smart than you. It's the same thing with race, religion, ethnicity, sex, gender, socioeconomic status, whatever you want to call it. When it all comes down to it, we're all skin and bones.

Every year at Passover, we sing הא לחמא עניא, we invite all who are poor to partake of our meal with us. We disregard the differences in what we may have, and we all break bread (quite literally) together.

Day 249: Don't Encourage Your Children to Date Wealthy People

At my grandmother's 80th birthday party, one of her friends approached me. At the time, I was a junior in high school. This woman has been married and widowed 3 or 4 times (I can't remember). She started to ask me about my love life, and I told her about my boyfriend. Without a second thought, she began to lecture me on the importance of marrying for wealth. I'd continue this story, but I tuned her out, I had no reason to listen to her words.

We know that money can buy things that make you happy, but we also know that retail therapy (as much as I love it) isn't really therapy. How can a marriage be happy when it is based on something so material as money?

Instead of encouraging our [future] children to marry for wealth, we should be encouraging them to marry for happiness and emotional bonds, people who share their values, people with ambition, and people who are kind.

Be Safe, Be Well, Be Happy.

Day 246: Don't Snap at Your Spouse

I'm guilty of snapping at those I love most. I'll be the first to admit it. Let my roommate, my parents, brother, and other close friends be witnesses, they are the first people to be snapped at when I'm stressed or upset.

In many cases, these people, the ones I love so much, respond so well, so kindly, so sweetly that instead of adding to my stress by being stressed or mad about my stress, they ease my spirit and soothe me a bit.

Tonight I was going through something rough and I was trying my best not to take it out on anybody. Some of my friends saw me crying and took note and warned my roommate that I might be needing her, but honestly, the best and most supportive person tonight was someone I've never really known so well. He saw me crying outside then ran back inside and brought me back a Post-it note saying that he was here for me no matter what I was going through, that he was praying for me, and if I wanted to talk, he gave me his number.

Now I know I'm a bit off topic but let me bring it all back. Of course the guy who brought me that note is not my spouse, however, what he did is the prime example of support. Try not to be angry when others take out their stress on you; it might be more simple to remain calm and play to the needs of your loved ones.

Day 247: Are You in an Abusive Relationship?

We've reached another topic which I don't feel comfortable discussing on an online forum. I'm glad to provide links to places that can help but I'm not in a place where I feel comfortable expressing my own take on this topic.

Jewish Women International https://www.jwi.org/
Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse http://jcada.org/www
The National Domestic Violence Hotline http://www.thehotline.org/

Reflections and Gashes and Hunger OH MY!

Day 243: If Parents Become Senile

It is a general cycle that when children are young, they are taken care of by their parents; but as parents grow older, they are taken care of by their children. Jewish law obligates children to take care of their parents until they are no longer able to provide adequate care.

One of my relatives made this her "golden rule" as her parents aged. They only wanted to stay in their house as long as possible, and she made that happen. Throughout sickness, surgery, and who knows what else, my cousin (with the help of a crew of caregivers) helped her parents stay in their home until their last days. It was beautiful to see her love for her parents, but it was also very obviously taxing on her. I have a lot of respect for the way she cared for her parents and I hope that one day I can emulate the same values towards my own parents.

Day 244: How to Learn Empathy

Yom Kippur is coming up. We're all familiar with fasting (or trying to cut back if we aren't medically allowed to fast), the hunger pains associated with it. When we feel these pains, we should be reminded that there are people in the world who are always feeling those pains. From our own pain, we should learn to open our hearts to those who need our help.

To feel empathy, we must have an understanding of what the other person is going through. That's what makes empathy different than sympathy, and even more necessary (in my own opinion).

Day 245: Shabbat

This week has been crazy. It's felt like 2 steps forward 1 step back ALL week. Homework and meetings and friends. And then on actual Shabbas, I gashed the top of my foot so today I took a trip to a clinic to make sure the infection that was there all weekend is now gone (it is [Baruch Hashem]).
May this week be calmer, productive, energizing, and rewarding.

• The Antidote to Arrogance: N/A
• Don't Pretend to Virtues You Don't Have: Still working on this. I want to emulate those people I see these virtues in but I'm not realizing how much work I'll have to do in order to become the person I want to be with the temperament I'd like to have. I'm happy with who I am but I'm very much willing and able to recognize what I can improve on. I'm trying to start with (1) patience and (2) not showing others how stressed I am. 
• "Love Your Neighbor": What Is the Neighbor's Responsibility: N/A
• "Honor Your Father and Mother": The Surprising Wording of the Biblical Commandment: N/A
• If Parents Become Senile: N/A
• How to Learn Empathy: This would be cool to incorporate into my classroom one day. Maybe not in a hands-on way but more in a "think about how you feel when you're hungry...tell me about it...what can we learn from this" kind of way.

Peace. Love. Respect.

Day 242: "Honor Your Father and Mother": The Surprising Wording of the Biblical Commandment

Alright, put your lawyer hat on for a minute and delve deep into this commandment: honor your father and mother. What are the first problems or concerns you see or have? That mother isn't mentioned first? That father isn't mentioned second? That we are told to honor rather than any other action? That we aren't commanded to love our parents?

If you asked the last question, you're in for an interesting and incredibly relevant answer. As a teenager (who will still be a teenager until late 2016), I feel at liberty to say quite openly that we aren't always super happy with our parents. I'm lucky, I haven't had many conflicts with my parents and when we've had issues, we quickly work them out together. But Judaism and Jews in general are realistic: not every person is as lucky as I am. There are families out there where the children hate the parents...and honestly? That pains me to even think.

Even if you hate your parents, even if you feel a single morsel of unhappiness with your parents, you are still commanded to respect them. Love to your parents may not always be attainable but respect always is. There are infinite ways to respect your parents.

On a personal note, I feel I've been skimping here lately. I feel like whenever I talk to my parents now, I'm in a bad mood. It certainly isn't intentional, it just happens that we talk at times that aren't always convenient for me or subjects are brought up I'm not ready to discuss. Even so, I should be working harder to convey the respect I have for my wonderful parents.