Last Full Week of October!

Day 299: Empathy Is Not Natural

If it wasn't obvious, a teacher's job is to teach. A parent's job is also partially that of a teacher. But, what is a teacher's to teach and what is a parent's to teach?

I would argue that in many ways, there is a lot of overlap. If a parent wishes to teach their children academics as well as life skills and morals, they should do so, and if a teacher wishes to teach life skills and morals in addition to the academics they teach, they should of course do so.

Children aren't born with empathy. This is clear when children are being bullied on the playground, in the halls, over the internet and text, just for being who they are. This is only one of many reasons it is important for us to remind children that we are all created in G-d's image, therefore, we are who we are supposed to be because G-d has created us in the way we are.

It's been interesting this year, being in a school at least once a week to work with a class. The school I work at has a policy that, once a month when they convene for a school-wide assembly, they show two videos about bullying and what it means to not be a bystander. I think this is one way of combatting bullying and I welcome most other ways of teaching these values as well.

Day 300: Express Your Gratitude to the People Nearest to You...Now

The people we are closest to are often the ones we forget to thank. Change that! If you've got a roommate, thank them for washing something for you when you couldn't or thank them for driving you somewhere [or everywhere]. If you haven't thanked your parents in a while, call them up and tell them you appreciate them. Small acts of gratitude can change an entire day for someone.

Day 301: Shabbat

It's been a bit of a strange week and I realize now a strange month. But hey, THERE ARE 64 DAYS LEFT IN THIS PROJECT, HOW CRAZY IS THAT? This year, for all the negatives that have come with it, has been one of the biggest periods of learning for myself, and I think that's what I'll try to remember about 2015.

• Sanctifying the Secular: N/A
• Don't Be a Racist: N/A
• Never Practice Ingratitude: N/A
• Raising Truthful Children: N/A
• Empathy Is Not Natural: N/A
• Express Your Gratitude to the People Nearest to You...Now: N/A

Day 302: Learning to Say "I Need"

"If you need help, particularly in a potentially life-threatening situation, seek it. It is not just your right but your obligation" (421).

Day 303: When Anonymous Giving Is Important, and When It Is Not

A misconception I held: anonymous giving is one of the highest mitzvot.

Why this misconception is something I now call a misconception: it matters more what your intention is when giving money. Also "If you know of osmeone who need financial help, give it to him or her, but in private; tell no one else (unless it is important to tell those people who might also beinclined to offer assisstance). True, the recipient will know your identity, but let that knowledge be restricte to him. You will know; he will know; G-d will know. Why does anyone else need to" (422)?

Just Pretend

Day 298: Raising Truthful Children

"One should not promise a child something, ad then not give it to him, because, as a result, the child will learn to lie." -Talmud Bavli, Sukka 46b

There are parents who...

• ...tell their child to pretend they're younger in order to get the children's price for a ticket
• ...tell their child to pretend they aren't home when they answer the phone
• ...tell their child if they do something bad, they won't get dessert...but then they give the child dessert anyway

What do these actions teach children? That lying is okay. Which it isn't, right? I mean, we've worked our whole lives with the understanding that the truth is always the best, even if it hurts. So, what makes it okay to lie sometimes?

I'm not saying I'm immune from lying, I'm certainly not. Every year I tell myself I want to work on honesty, and I think every year I do achieve another level of honesty, but it is a very difficult thing not to lie at all. But when we lie to a child, we teach them something, and we should be more careful around children to be honest and to teach honesty and truth.

Apologies Again (A 9 Day Catch Up!)

Sorry about that intermission! I thought with all the holidays over, marchesvan would be a good time to write, but last week kind of through me for a loop so I'm here now to catch up!

Day 286: It's Not Enough to Be Nice, Timing Also Matters

I think this is fairly self-explanatory. But, just in case you need something else in this entry, I find this quote sums it up pretty well: "Good intentions are insufficient; one must also strive to ensure that one's good intentions bring about good results" (401).

Day 287: Shabbat

If you had asked me last week how my week was, I would've said distressing. All personal problems aside, last week was also the height of my midterms. I had two exams on Thursday and other major assignments due throughout the week. But, because I was so stressed, I didn't do as well as I would've liked to on one of my exams and I've been kicking myself about it.

If you're choosing to ask me how this week was, I'd say much better. Personal problems have subdued a bit, but this week was heavy duty in academics too. I had an exam on Monday and major assignments due Tuesday and Wednesday. Though my focus is still a bit off, it's much improved. Plus (I know this sounds ridiculous), I decided that since I didn't like my grade on that midterm, I've already begun studying for the final in that class. Hey, there's always room for improvement and I might as well start now.

• How to Avoid Giving in to Temptation: I think willpower is a wonderful thing to have and I think it's possible to train yourself in willpower, but I understand that it's often safest to just remove yourself from tempting situations altogether.
• When You're Tempted to Do Something Wrong: N/A
• When There Is No Shalom Bayit in Your Bayit: N/A
• When Jewish Law Permits a Person to Be Publicly Shamed: What would happen if the reason a parent didn't provide for their child is because the other parent didn't make the second one aware that they had a child? I know it's not a typical situation in Jewish life, but what if?
• The Limits of God's Forgiveness: N/A
• It's Not Enough to Be Nice, Timing Also Matters: N/A

Day 288: Help Non-Jews as Well as Jews

We are all created in Hashem's image, correct? Correct. So what makes someone any more or less deserving of help than the next person? Nothing. As Jews, we read in Talmud Bavli, Masechet Gittin (61a) that "we must provide help for the non-Jewish poor as well as for the Jewish poor." We are also taught that we must visit both Jews and non-Jews when they are sick, and we must attend the burials of both Jews and non-Jews. How can we truly know peace if we don't strive to discover its true meaning?

Day 289: The Final Words a Jew Should Speak

Every year, during the month leading up to the high holidays, we recite a confessional prayer to G-d in the hopes that He will grant us atonement and cleanse us of our sins.

Thankfully, I don't have experience in death, but I would think that when it happens, I would like to be pure and cleansed before Olam Haba. It is, for this reason, we recite the vidui, the confessional. To find the text of the confessional or to learn more about it, click here.

Day 290: Should a Jew Donate His Organs?

I remember when I went to get my license, one of the questions I was asked was "would you like to be an organ donor?" I struggled with it. I hadn't thought about it and I remember sitting there and thinking about it: what a wonderful and nice thing to do, but on the other hand, I'd like to be buried as a whole person.

As I read today's section, I was moved by a certain number of Jewish texts that suggest that it would be okay to donate organs, despite Judaism's general discomfort about autopsies. The first is "he who saves a single life, it is as if he saved an entire world" (Mishna, Sanhedrin 4:5). 

[Before I tell you the second, I'm not going to lie, I just got very excited about finding out that Rabbi Telushkin and I share a bar mitzvah Haftarah.] The second is from 2 Kings chapter 4 when the miracle of the prophet Elisha breathing air into the lungs of a dead child. Rabbi Telushkin brings in a quote from Rabbi Stanley Garfein to explain: "We may not share Elisha's ability to perform miracles, but today [if we choose to donate our organs], we can share his capacity to restore and redeem life."

Day 291: Listen...Really Listen

Living in a dorm provides itself with many opportunities for consulting and counseling others. As one of the sophomores on my floor, many freshmen come to talk to both my roommate and I but our peers do as well.

In an environment like college, everyone has things weighing down on them: midterms, essays, love life crises, family problems, etc. Everyone has something they need to vent about and everyone has someone they need to vent about it to.

While listening, it's easy to start thinking about all the things I have to get done by tomorrow, or the next day, or the next week, and so on. However, it is so important that these people who have come to seek our help know that we are truly listening to them and that we truly care about them and want to help them with what we are going through. The challenge from now on is to focus on the person we are listening to and make sure they know we are really listening.

Day 292: How Not to Teach Torah

It's really quite daunting, the number of professional development sessions and classes taught in a Teacher Education curriculum about not becoming burnt out. When a teacher is burnt out, they've been in their profession or with a group of students too long. Too much is being taken out of them and they begin to deprive their students of a positive learning environment.

If you asked a group of students what a positive learning environment is like, they'd probably describe their teacher as open, caring, patient, etc. Burnt out teachers are none of those things.

So we, as educators of whatever subject it is we've chosen to teach, should train ourselves to be patient, caring, and open as possible. I recently watched a Ted Talk in which the speaker said "children don't learn from people they don't like."

Day 293: Charity, Idolatry, and Deafness

I decided a flow chart worked really well for explaining this section, so voila! Here's my handiwork:

Day 294: Shabbat

Since these are all sections I've covered in this entry, I will refrain from writing this section as usual.

Day 295: Sanctifying the Secular

I don't believe I can say this any better than Rabbi Telushkin wrote it: "[...] when commons sense is employed in fulfillment of a Torah law, one of the relatively few for which a rationale is given, the ensuing behavior becomes a religious activity as well. So, the next time you go don to clear your walk after a snowstorm, you can also feel that you are fulfilling a divine command. I don't know if that will make the work easier, but it should make it feel holy" (412).

Day 296: Don't Be a Racist

To put this quite simply, we've discussed many times how we were all created in G-d's image. And, taking this a step further, we all come from the same family: Adam and Eve are our great-great-great...-great grandparents. If we were all created in G-d's image and if we come from the same parents, how can any one race be superior to any other?

"'Religious racist' might not be an oxymoron, but from Judaism's perspective, it should be" (413).

Day 297: Never Practice Ingratitude

"Cast no mud into the well from which you have drunk" (Bava Kamma 92b).

"If you have in any way profited from another person with whom your relationship later soured, you must not allow yourself to forget the earlier good that he or she did for you" (414).

I was once close friends with a girl in elementary school. Towards 5th or 6th grade, we got into a fight which destroyed our relationship. I was mad and sour and bitter for a while, but I should just be thankful she brought Dance Dance Revolution into my life.

I was once very close with a guy who lived on the floor above me. We no longer talk, but I am still thankful for the advice he gave me on many occasions that have actually helped me feel healthier in the people I choose to keep up relationships with.

I know a rabbi I don't agree with very often, however I am very thankful for the ways they have helped me in getting back to Israel.

This is an exercise I'd like to keep up with, it feels like a healthier way to look at my relationships and live my life.

____________________________

I apologize for the length of this post but am so thankful that I had time today to take a little while and just write and catch up and reflect on my actions lately.

My Appologies

As much as I'd love to write tonight,
I find it dimmed, my inner light.
Tough conversations with ones you love
Leave you knowing it's them you must let go of.
And even when tears slid down my cheeks
I know there are other things we both seek.
I'm proud, no doubt, of all he's learned
but for now, I know, tides have turned.

As you can see, I'm not really in a writing mood, however, I did write this piece a couple days ago and I'd love to share it with you. Today's entry will come with tomorrow's.  You'll find the piece here.

Another Dawn, Another Day

Day 285: The Limits of God's Forgiveness

As we learned a while back, we are not capable of forgiving sins that were committed against others. Much in the same way, God cannot forgive us for sins we did not commit against him. That is why Yom Kippur atones for the sins committed against God and during the Aseret Yemey Tshuva, we atone for the sins we've committed against others.

Just Like I Said I Would!

Day 284: When Jewish Law Permits a Person to Be Publicly Shamed

Growing up, my brother and I were big fans of the 90's show The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Possibly the most evocative scene in the entire series is this one when Will, the main character, discovers that his father has abandoned him for a second time:

This scene makes me cry every time. Whew. Okay.

I think we can all agree: if a parent can make a child feel the way Will felt, if a parent can make their child feel that unloved, the world should protect the child. The world is allowed to share in the child's pain, to dislike the parent, to be unrelenting in their criticisms of the way in which they treated the child.

No parent should ever have a child that asks them "how come he don't want me?"

All Caught Up and I'll Post Again Tonight!

Day 280: Shabbat

It's been a darn good week for me personally. It started off kind of rough after the immediate shock of everything that was going on in Israel and after the death of my fish, but this week was pretty good.

I turned 19, my friend from high school came to visit, there's been lots of cake and good food and good people, so I'm still happy.

• Make Your Celebration a Cause for Everyone to Celebrate: I hadn't even thought about this section after reading it until this exact moment. Yesterday, my friend (who lives way downtown) made me a delicious cake. My friend from high school and I, on our way back to my dorm, walked down the main street where there were many homeless people sitting on the side of the street and sidewalk. One of them saw the covered plate and said to me "we take leftovers" with a grin on his face. I smiled apologetically and said "sorry" as I'm so used to doing. He said "have a nice day", I said "you too", and he said "God bless." And that's where it ended. It would have been so easy to find something with which to cut the cake. I missed it! I can't even believe I missed that opportunity.
• On Not Embarrassing the Recipient: N/A
• Is There Someone You're Ignoring Whom You Should Ask for Forgiveness?: N/A
• Don't Forgive on Other People's Behalf: I'm reading Viktor's Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning as a suggestion from my roommate and I read a quote yesterday that really reminded me of this section. And I just spent a few minutes looking for this and I can't find it anymore. Well, at least it's an interesting book if you're looking to learn something new.
• The Punishment of One Who Humiliates Another: N/A
• When You Can't Give Money: See Make Your Celebration a Cause for Everyone to Celebrate

Day 281: How to Avoid Giving In to Temptation

This weekend, I took my friend to the farmer's market downtown. Among beautiful beans, gigantic gourds, tantalizing tomatoes, and festal flowers, we found the softest alpaca yarn I've ever touched in very vibrant colors. Immediately, I asked the woman selling them if she took credit cards. When she responded that, unfortunately, she didn't, I checked the amount of cash I had on hand. Had my friend not nudged me and said "hey let's walk around some more and maybe you can find an ATM later for the yarn", I probably would've bought a couple skeins.

That story might make me sound like I have a knitting addiction, but when you cut to the chase, it's really just a yarn addiction.

A verse from the Torah offers advice to people who have taken the Nazirite vow (they avoid eating grapes, drinking wine, cutting their hair, or having contact with a corpse): "Take a circuitous route, O Nazirite, but do not approach the vineyard." Meaning, don't lead yourself into a situation in which you would give in to temptation knowingly.

Take a circuitous route, O yarn lover, but do not approach the alpaca yarn stand at the farmer's market.

Day 282: When You're Tempted to Do Something Wrong

"Know what is above you: an eye that sees, an ear that hears, and all your deeds are recorded in a book." -Ethics of the Fathers 2:1

Day 283: When There Is No Shalom Bayit in Your Bayit

If it wasn't obvious by now, there are certain sections I don't feel comfortable writing about for various reasons. This is one of them, so I'll gladly sum up some points in list form:

• Shalom Bayit (a peaceful home) is very important in Judaism
• "No one [woman or man] should be expected to dwell in the same den with a serpent." -Yevamot 112b
• Judaism sees divorce as a very sad thing
• "When there is no reason to suffer, one shouldn't" (398).
• "After a bad marriage, there is still the hope for a good one" (398).

Post Chagim Catch Up [Almost]

I apologize for my inconsistent writing schedule! Now that all the chagim are over, and now that my birthday has passed, I might finally be able to stick to a schedule. Although, there are all those midterms...

Day 276: Is There Someone You're Ignoring Whom You Should Ask for Forgiveness?

On and leading up to Yom Kippur, we ask forgiveness from those we owe an apology. On Yom Kippur, we atone for sins we have committed against G-d, not others. As a rule of thumb in Judaism, we must ask forgiveness from a person 3 times before we are able to move on.

Judaism doesn't believe we should spend the rest of our lives chasing for forgiveness.

"Many years ago, the novel Love Story popularized the line 'Love means never having to say you're sorry.' Jewish ethics believes the contrary. Love and goodness mean learning how not to hurt others and how to apologize when you do" (388).

Day 277: Don't Forgive on Other People's Behalf

I can honestly say that the first time I saw a headline announcing that someone had forgiven the murderer of heir child, I was stunned. I remember thinking "I'd like to be that forgiving" and then, as I grew up with that story in the back of my mind, I remember thinking "I don't know that I could ever forgive that person."

And now, I know I couldn't. If I tried hard enough, I could forgive them for the pain they had caused me, I could forgive them for the sorrow I felt, but I could never forgive them fully. This isn't because I am an unforgiving person or anything like that, it's because I wouldn't be the right person.

In a case such as a murder, the only person who can grant full forgiveness is the person against whom the crime was committed. And in the case of a murder, the victim is, I would guess, never able to grant that forgiveness.

We cannot forgive crimes that were committed against someone else. It is difficult to do, firstly, and secondly, it isn't even our place.

Day 278: The Punishment of One Who Humiliates Another

It almost physically pains me when I see someone embarrassing someone else. I feel bad when I know that the person causing the embarrassment doesn't know they're doing it and I feel bad knowing that that person has been publically embarrassed.

Judaism teaches us that the punishment for humiliating another in public is to lose our share in the World-to-Come. This is pretty serious stuff!

If we realize we have humiliating someone else publically, we should go to them and ask for forgiveness and then try to build them up publically. 

"May you never cause anyone else embarrassment and may you never be caused any embarrassment yourself." -Mo'ed Kattan 9b

Day 279: When You Can't Give Money

On Shabbat, Jews are forbidden from handling money. On Shabbat, Jews are forbidden from carrying things in the public domain. Eruvim have been created to get around that whole carrying thing, but we still cannot carry money.

Something I've always wanted to do, whether on Shabbat or not, is to give granola bars to the homeless people and beggars I pass. While I haven't yet started doing this, I've talked to my roommate about trying it on the main street of our college town. She's totally on board, so I'll let you know how it goes when we finally try it!

Reflections and Recipients

Day 273: Shabbat

I'm so glad it's finally October! My birthday is in a week, it's finally become long sleeve weather, hot chocolate and apple cider is back in season, and...every long term assignment, quiz, or test I could possibly be assigned is happening in the next month. I'm overwhelmed but I've been good about taking breaks when I need them and trying to keep up with my mental health. Friends are wonderful things, the best medication sometimes.

• Do a Favor...for Your Enemy: N/A
• Maimonides, Art Buchwald, and the Importance of Every Deed: N/A
• When You Have Been Sinned Against: Your Obligation: N/A
• A Nightly Prayer Before Going to Sleep: I think I'm going to start by saying the full bedtime Shema on Shabbat and then work on expanding it.
• Don't Let Your Child Humiliate Another Child: N/A
• What the Fifth Commandment Demands of Parents: N/A

Day 274: Make Your Celebration a Cause for Everyone to Celebrate

We read earlier in the year about over the top b'nai mitzvah parties. We all know the ones: the ones every kid brings home stories of.  But as we said, we've got the celebration part down, we're just missing the "mitzvah" part.

In times like those, it's important to remember that there are ways to add an extra facet to your simcha. By donating excess food or party supplies to organizations like Mazon, we bring added joy to ourselves and some relief to those in need.

Day 275: On Not Embarrassing the Recipient

Possibly the most frustrating thing is to do something you believe to be generous and then to see the opposite reaction you wanted on the recipient's face:

"Reuben, an honest man, asked Shimon to lend him some money. Without hesitation, Shimon made the loan but said, 'I really give this to you as a gift.' Reuben was so shamed and embarrassed that he would never ask Shimon for a loan again. Clearly, in this case, it would have been better not to have given Reuben a gift of that kind." --Sefer Chasidim